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Boston Red Sox Archives
Reds, cult suicidal after Cueto loss
CINCINNATI, OH -- After striking out 18 batters and walking none in his first two big league starts, there were many who thought that Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto might be [continue reading...]
Posted on April 17th, 2008
Kurkjian insists he’s never been kicked in the nuts
BRONX, NY -- It's the second Yankees-Red Sox series of the season – and the first in New York – which means the entire ESPN baseball staff is in the [continue reading...]
Posted on April 16th, 2008
Dead cardinal, white sock found under Bartman’s seat at Wrigley
CHICAGO, IL -- Maybe Wrigley Field is cursed after all. Days after a Boston Red Sox fan who was working construction on the new Yankee Stadium buried a Red Sox [continue reading...]
Posted on April 15th, 2008
Construction workers find Schilling buried under new Yankee Stadium
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Having previously excavated a David Ortiz jersey from the bowels of the new Yankee stadium, construction workers on Sunday discovered another artifact placed there for [continue reading...]
Posted on April 14th, 2008
MLB now using SurveyMonkey to conduct major rule changes
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- Serious Sports News Network received word late Thursday that Major League Baseball has adopted a new and controversial method of reviewing proposed rule changes. "We've basically [continue reading...]
Posted on April 10th, 2008
Bill James’ head explodes; reveals he was a Cyborg
BOSTON, MA -- Sabermetric analysis is the use of statistics to help analyze the game of baseball. It is a tool for talent evaluators to better understand the skill set [continue reading...]
Posted on April 6th, 2008
Manny frightened by time travel, refusing to leave Japan
TOKYO, JAPAN -- The defending World Series Champion Boston Red Sox have returned home from Japan with a win, a loss, and a newfound respect for Japanese culture. One thing [continue reading...]
Posted on March 28th, 2008
Riding high, Red Sox now refuse to travel to New York
TOKYO, JAPAN -- Fresh off Wednesday's successful boycott, which forced Major League Baseball to compensate Boston's coaches and staff for their trip to Japan, the Boston Red Sox are now [continue reading...]
Posted on March 22nd, 2008
Hernandez, Twins at odds over unusual contract provision
FORT MEYERS, FL -- Tension erupted in the Minnesota Twins' camp as an obscure clause in starting pitcher Livan Hernandez' contract surfaced after yesterday's game. After losing veterans Johan Santana and [continue reading...]
Posted on March 12th, 2008
Yankees announce plan to annex Quebec
TAMPA, FL -- "Sacre bleu!" was the cry of a jubilant Hank Steinbrenner at a morning press conference, when the New York Yankees Chairman announced the organization's plans to annex [continue reading...]
Posted on March 6th, 2008
Ramirez done “being Manny”
FORT MYERS, FL -- For years, Manny Ramirez's odd behavior – be it hiding out in the Green Monster, jamming to his iPod between innings or serially skipping the All-Star [continue reading...]
Posted on March 1st, 2008
BoSox trade Crisp for Lucky Charms
BOSTON, MA -- After weeks of speculation about whether he could reclaim his job as Red Sox center fielder from Jacoby Ellsbury, Coco Crisp was traded today to the Baltimore [continue reading...]
Posted on February 28th, 2008
Doctor diagnoses Schilling with “blogger’s shoulder”
BOSTON, MA -- According to reports today, Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is once again experiencing shoulder problems and will likely miss at least half of the 2008 season. The [continue reading...]
Posted on February 7th, 2008
Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building part of deal for Santana
NEW YORK, NY -- Controversy is whipping through the streets of New York City today, as previously undisclosed details from the Mets' trade for Johan Santana have come to light. Residents [continue reading...]
Posted on February 5th, 2008
Red Sox add Simmons to package for Santana
BOSTON, MA -- According to sources within the organization, Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein is now willing to include ESPN.com columnist Bill Simmons – more popularly known as The [continue reading...]
Posted on December 18th, 2007
Abbas and Olmert agree to peace between Red Sox and Yankees
ANNAPOLIS, MD -- After a truly momentous exchange that will resonate throughout history, the Red Sox and the Yankees are now at peace, thanks to the sedulous efforts of Israeli [continue reading...]
Posted on November 28th, 2007
ESPN fan forum sets record for most blatantly obvious statements made in a day
BRISTOL, CT -- This week, the Guinness Book of World Records notified ESPN that the fan forum on their popular ESPN.com website had set the record for most blatantly obvious [continue reading...]
Posted on November 14th, 2007
Boston sports fans confident apocalypse is near
BOSTON, MA -- The recent success of Boston sports teams has led many Bostonians to speculate that the apocalypse is near. "Oh, abso-fuckin'-lutely," Boston sports fan, Bert McNulty told SSNN. [continue reading...]
Posted on November 13th, 2007
Schilling’s contract contains unusual incentives
BOSTON, MA -- Curt Schilling's incentive laden contract includes a two million dollar bonus if the burly pitcher will shut down his blog in time for the 2008 season, and [continue reading...]
Posted on November 7th, 2007
Occultist worried third Boston World Series could wake the Babe
BRONX, NY -- Arnold Pencarne, an occult/memorabilia expert from the Bronx area, claims that if the Red Sox break the Curse of the Bambino a third time, it could result [continue reading...]
Posted on November 7th, 2007
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