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Bill Belichick Archives
Patriots sign Manning
FOXBORO, MA -- The New England Patriots, in a move of possible desperation, have signed Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli, to play quarterback for the rest of [continue reading...]
Posted on September 20th, 2008
Tom Brady retired to stud
FOXBORO, MA—Citing his season-ending injury and diminishing enthusiasm for the game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement yesterday, and said he plans to spend more time with breath-takingly hot [continue reading...]
Posted on September 18th, 2008
Matt Cassel prays science experiment ends world before Sunday
FOXBORO, MA—Newly-minted Patriots starting QB Matt Cassel has begun to pray that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment in Geneva, Switzerland induces a cataclysmic reaction and ending all life on [continue reading...]
Posted on September 11th, 2008
Boston sports fans gear up for hockey season
BOSTON, MA -- Just two days after beloved New England Patriots QB Tom Brady went down with a season ending torn ACL, Boston fans have already started looking to the [continue reading...]
Posted on September 10th, 2008
Irate Bostonian attacks roommate over Brady injury
CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Lifelong Boston resident and die-hard Patriots fan Patrick O'Callaghan erupted in a fit of fury Sunday afternoon, after watching beloved Pats quarterback Tom Brady go down with [continue reading...]
Posted on September 9th, 2008
Patriots post “Curb Alert” for Lynch on Craigslist
FOXBORO, MA – After three weeks of trying desperately to unload him for money, draft picks, or players, the New England Patriots are giving away John Lynch, having placed him [continue reading...]
Posted on September 2nd, 2008
Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”
NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston
BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]
Posted on June 25th, 2008
Belichick also misinterpreted the rules of marriage
BOSTON, MA -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's claim that he misinterpreted the rules preventing the taping of the opposition's signals during games elicited a firestorm of doubters, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 19th, 2008
Matt Walsh turns over tape showing Belichick in Darth Vader mask
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- SSNN has learned that the tapes former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh turned over to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell include footage of Patriots [continue reading...]
Posted on May 13th, 2008
Walker selected in fourth and seventh rounds of draft
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- More than twenty years has passed since Herschel Walker was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the fifth round of the 1985 NFL Draft. But [continue reading...]
Posted on April 28th, 2008
Johnson surprised to learn cheerleader he proposed to leaving Bengals
CINCINNATI, OH -- After being blindsided last week by the news that fellow Bengal receiver Chris Henry had been released by the team following the latest in his long string [continue reading...]
Posted on April 9th, 2008
Belichick downplays Spygate episode while battling evil wheelchair-bound villain
BOSTON, MA -- Months after they were embroiled in a scandal when caught videotaping an opposing team's signals, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick insists that his team has [continue reading...]
Posted on April 1st, 2008
Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it
HELL -- In a statement released by a spokesman for Lucifer, the horned beast has declared that he no longer has any use for the soul of New England Patriots [continue reading...]
Posted on March 11th, 2008
New England chef admits he didn’t “leave it all in the kitchen”
GLENDALE, AZ -- In the aftermath of the New England Patriots' disappointing Super Bowl loss, fingers of blame are being pointed willy-nilly throughout the organization. Few Patriot staffers, [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Puppy Bowl IV outdraws first three quarters of Super Bowl XLII
GLENDALE, AZ -- Early Nielsen polls for Sunday evening provided some unexpected news for producers of Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl IV. "We beat the Super Bowl?!" exclaimed executive producer Melinda [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Dubya places misguided congratulatory call to Patriots
WASHINGTON D.C.- As George "Dubya" Bush limps towards the final stage of his presidency, he will face what is sure to be less-than-pleasant response from the New York Giant faithful. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Shula: Patriots not undefeated until they win NCAA Tournament, World Series of Poker
GLENDALE, AZ -- Don Shula, coach of the 1972 Dolphins, hastily called a press conference outside University of Phoenix Stadium Thursday morning to make an important announcement about the New [continue reading...]
Posted on January 31st, 2008
Awkward mistletoe encounter threatens Patriots’ chemistry
FOXBORO, MA -- For the New England Patriots, a team that has relied on such precision timing and an uncanny ability to avoid trouble for the past four months, Wednesday [continue reading...]
Posted on December 20th, 2007
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Olbermann refuses to make Patriot Act joke
Keith Olbermann could have another chance to make a joke about the Patriots and videotaping this weekend, with the Jets' taping practices now in question... NEW YORK, NY -- The left-wing [continue reading...]
Posted on December 15th, 2007
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