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Bill Belichick Archives

Belichick trades heart-less Cassel for almost nothing

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at [continue reading...]

Posted on March 3rd, 2009

Kurt Warner orders Whopper, declares faith to drive through attendant

PHOENIX, AZ -– Kurt Warner had just led the Arizona Cardinals a heartwrenching defeat in Super Bowl XLIII against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was exhaused. When the aging quarterback [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Patriots coach Bill Belichick caught taping the Cardinals’ taping of the Steelers’ practice

TAMPA BAY -- New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is facing a new suspension today after he was caught videotaping the Arizona Cardinals, who were taping the Pittsburgh [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2009

Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro

FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill [continue reading...]

Posted on November 12th, 2008

Patriots sign Manning

FOXBORO, MA -- The New England Patriots, in a move of possible desperation, have signed Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli, to play quarterback for the rest of [continue reading...]

Posted on September 20th, 2008

Tom Brady retired to stud

FOXBORO, MA—Citing his season-ending injury and diminishing enthusiasm for the game, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement yesterday, and said he plans to spend more time with breath-takingly hot [continue reading...]

Posted on September 18th, 2008

Matt Cassel prays science experiment ends world before Sunday

FOXBORO, MA—Newly-minted Patriots starting QB Matt Cassel has begun to pray that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment in Geneva, Switzerland induces a cataclysmic reaction and ending all life on [continue reading...]

Posted on September 11th, 2008

Boston sports fans gear up for hockey season

BOSTON, MA -- Just two days after beloved New England Patriots QB Tom Brady went down with a season ending torn ACL, Boston fans have already started looking to the [continue reading...]

Posted on September 10th, 2008

Irate Bostonian attacks roommate over Brady injury

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Lifelong Boston resident and die-hard Patriots fan Patrick O'Callaghan erupted in a fit of fury Sunday afternoon, after watching beloved Pats quarterback Tom Brady go down with [continue reading...]

Posted on September 9th, 2008

Patriots post “Curb Alert” for Lynch on Craigslist

FOXBORO, MA – After three weeks of trying desperately to unload him for money, draft picks, or players, the New England Patriots are giving away John Lynch, having placed him [continue reading...]

Posted on September 2nd, 2008

Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston

BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]

Posted on June 25th, 2008

Belichick also misinterpreted the rules of marriage

Bill Belichick has the noblest intentions

BOSTON, MA -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's claim that he misinterpreted the rules preventing the taping of the opposition's signals during games elicited a firestorm of doubters, [continue reading...]

Posted on May 19th, 2008

Matt Walsh turns over tape showing Belichick in Darth Vader mask

Even with the mask, Belichick wears a hoodie

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- SSNN has learned that the tapes former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh turned over to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell include footage of Patriots [continue reading...]

Posted on May 13th, 2008

Walker selected in fourth and seventh rounds of draft

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- More than twenty years has passed since Herschel Walker was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the fifth round of the 1985 NFL Draft. But [continue reading...]

Posted on April 28th, 2008

Johnson surprised to learn cheerleader he proposed to leaving Bengals

CINCINNATI, OH -- After being blindsided last week by the news that fellow Bengal receiver Chris Henry had been released by the team following the latest in his long string [continue reading...]

Posted on April 9th, 2008

Belichick downplays Spygate episode while battling evil wheelchair-bound villain

BOSTON, MA -- Months after they were embroiled in a scandal when caught videotaping an opposing team's signals, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick insists that his team has [continue reading...]

Posted on April 1st, 2008

Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it

HELL -- In a statement released by a spokesman for Lucifer, the horned beast has declared that he no longer has any use for the soul of New England Patriots [continue reading...]

Posted on March 11th, 2008

New England chef admits he didn’t “leave it all in the kitchen”

GLENDALE, AZ -- In the aftermath of the New England Patriots' disappointing Super Bowl loss, fingers of blame are being pointed willy-nilly throughout the organization. Few Patriot staffers, [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2008

Puppy Bowl IV outdraws first three quarters of Super Bowl XLII

GLENDALE, AZ -- Early Nielsen polls for Sunday evening provided some unexpected news for producers of Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl IV. "We beat the Super Bowl?!" exclaimed executive producer Melinda [continue reading...]