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baseball Archives

Obama doesn’t really have an issue with the way the Yankees spend money

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI -- President-elect and extreme sports fan Barack Obama is always willing to offer an opinion as to how the sports world can improve itself. However, when reached in [continue reading...]

Posted on December 24th, 2008

Youkilis storms out of spinning class at local gym in protest over lack of Hannukah music

BOSTON, MA -- Volatile Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis stormed out of a spinning class today after just 37 minutes in a vicious protest over what he felt was an [continue reading...]

Posted on December 22nd, 2008

Hamilton wins best season by dude who once had a heroin addiction

Hamilton prays he never again has to perform sex acts which he may or may not have performed in the past.

ARLINGTON, TX -- Much was made in baseball circles of the lack of activity during last week's Winter Meetings in Las Vegas, but fans may be surprised to learn that [continue reading...]

Posted on December 17th, 2008

Yankees make a play for another big-named pitcher

BRONX, N.Y. -- Following the historic signing of pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the New York Yankees are in talks with another big name, announcing Thursday that they are going to pursue [continue reading...]

Posted on December 12th, 2008

Hampton injures himself while signing contract

HOUSTON, TX -- Mike Hampton crumbled to the ground in pain Monday while signing a contract with the Houston Astros. "Hammy had just finished signing his name to the multi-year, [continue reading...]

Posted on December 1st, 2008

Poll conducted by Zambrano shows Zambrano as NL MVP

CHICAGO, IL -- Carlos Zambrano has election fever. The star pitcher for the Cubs has taken it upon himself to take a poll concerning the National League MVP voting that has [continue reading...]

Posted on October 29th, 2008

Rays forfeit first game of World Series

TAMPA BAY, FL -- In an unusual move, the Tampa Bay Rays have officially forfeited the first game of the 2008 World Series, under the provision that Phillies pitcher Cole [continue reading...]

Posted on October 20th, 2008

Joe Torre abandons Chad Billingsley in Nebraska

OMAHA, NE—The Cornhusker State has been making headlines in recent weeks, with its “safe-haven” law—allowing parents to abandon their children at local hospitals without fear of reprisals—being prominently used by [continue reading...]

Posted on October 16th, 2008

Red Sox hoping to trade for a big bat for the rest of the postseason, like Manny Ramirez

BOSTON, MA -- A panicked Theo Epstein spent the entire evening Tuesday working the phones and his BlackBerry, attempting desperately to obtain a power hitter for the Red Sox lineup [continue reading...]

Posted on October 15th, 2008

Joe Buck walking around telling people about the significance of mundane events

LOS ANGELES and PHILADELPHIA -- Fox baseball announcer Joe Buck, overtaken with excitement about the National League Championship Series, has taken to describing the immense importance of ordinary events to [continue reading...]

Posted on October 14th, 2008

Zambrano to take statistics at Northwestern

CHICAGO -- The Chicago Cubs' early exit from the playoffs this year has brought with it a silver lining for at least one player. Carlos Zambrano has announced that he will [continue reading...]

Posted on October 10th, 2008

Bush leaving work early to watch MLB playoffs

WASHINGTON, DC -- U.S. President George W. Bush announced that he's finishing work at 3:00 pm eastern time today, in plenty of time to get over to the residence and [continue reading...]

Posted on October 1st, 2008

White Sox’ Ozzie Guillen proposes to “swap teams” with Twins’ Ron Gardenhire

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- Following a crushing defeat in the third game of a three-game sweep that vaulted the Minnesota Twins into first place in the AL central, Ozzie Guillen made [continue reading...]

Posted on September 26th, 2008

Martin Luther causes rift with Church over instant replay

WITTENBERG, GERMANY—German monk Martin Luther created a firestorm of controversy the other day when he unabashedly and publicly nailed to a church door his 95 arguments for the Church’s adoption [continue reading...]

Posted on September 25th, 2008

Man accidentally takes fiance to Nats/Phillies game on “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place” night

WASHINGTON, DC -- When Matt Dempster thought he'd take his fiance, McKenna, to a Washington Nationals game, he thought it'd be fun to take her to see her hometown Phillies [continue reading...]

Posted on September 3rd, 2008

MLB mandates all players must speak Spanish

It’s a good thing he’s not a player, because Selig’s Spanish is pretty rusty

NEW YORK, NY -- In a unilateral move designed to improve the fluidity of the game, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled that all players in Major League Baseball (hereafter [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2008

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Passing of trade deadline allows President Bush to focus more on politics

Bush now has a few months left where his primary focus will be on the Presidency.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- August 25 has come and gone, and President Bush has informed his staff and the nation at large that he's "now ready to really get back to [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Piazza apparently retired some time ago

Piazza was last seen wearing a bad beard, A’s warm-ups and a frown.

NEW YORK, NY -- Much to our collective surprise, SSNN has learned that Mike Piazza, future Hall of Fame catcher for the Dodgers, Mets and most recently the Padres and [continue reading...]

Posted on August 25th, 2008

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