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baseball Archives
Man accidentally takes fiance to Nats/Phillies game on “Cole Hamels nails every chick in the place” night
WASHINGTON, DC -- When Matt Dempster thought he'd take his fiance, McKenna, to a Washington Nationals game, he thought it'd be fun to take her to see her hometown Phillies [continue reading...]
Posted on September 3rd, 2008
MLB mandates all players must speak Spanish
NEW YORK, NY -- In a unilateral move designed to improve the fluidity of the game, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has ruled that all players in Major League Baseball (hereafter [continue reading...]
Posted on August 29th, 2008
Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69
LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”
NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
Passing of trade deadline allows President Bush to focus more on politics
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- August 25 has come and gone, and President Bush has informed his staff and the nation at large that he's "now ready to really get back to [continue reading...]
Posted on August 26th, 2008
Piazza apparently retired some time ago
NEW YORK, NY -- Much to our collective surprise, SSNN has learned that Mike Piazza, future Hall of Fame catcher for the Dodgers, Mets and most recently the Padres and [continue reading...]
Posted on August 25th, 2008
Rockies’ Taveras disappointed about possible demotion
DENVER, CO -- Colorado Rockies general manager Dan O'Dowd has reportedly told outfielder Willy Taveras that he may be traded soon, with the most likely destination being an unaffiliated minor [continue reading...]
Posted on August 25th, 2008
Upton joins basketball league to burn excess energy
TAMPA, FL -- B.J. Upton has apparently joined a three-on-three, full court basketball league in order to burn some of his excess energy and stay in shape, SSNN has learned. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on August 22nd, 2008
Sabathia credits Boss for NL dominance
MILWAUKEE, WI -- Recently acquired Brewer's pitcher CC Sabathia has gone on a tear as of late – with an 8-0 record and an ERA of 1.60 in his nine [continue reading...]
Posted on August 22nd, 2008
Drew’s lingering back problems result of carrying team in June
BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox outfielder JD Drew got a surprise diagnosis from team physician Dr. Thomas Gill Wednesday regarding his ailing back. "His lower back has been bothering him [continue reading...]
Posted on August 21st, 2008
Baseball owners want to use instant replay to review Selig hiring
NEW YORK, NY -- As the professional baseball owners gather to consider instant replay, SSNN has learned that many of the owners are interested in using the technology to take [continue reading...]
Posted on August 19th, 2008
BJ Upton wets himself due to lack of hustle
TAMPA BAY, FL -- Tampa Bay Rays second baseman had an embarrassing moment Monday when he micterated in his pants in the middle of the fourth inning. Upton, who has been [continue reading...]
Posted on August 19th, 2008
Guy wearing headphones outside O’Leary home blames cow for fire
CHICAGO, IL -- Local concerned citizen Steve Bartman has cracked the case of the fire that tore through the heart of Chicago last week, identifying a cow that happened to [continue reading...]
Posted on August 15th, 2008
Pedro Gomez still inexplicably standing outside Bonds’ house
PHOENIX, AZ -- Police were called to a serene, gated community here in Phoenix again Thursday, where they arrested ESPN reporter Pedro Gomez for the 18th time this year for [continue reading...]
Posted on August 15th, 2008
Astros put down El Caballo
HOUSTON, TX -- Astros Owner Drayton McLane and General Manager Ed Wade hung their heads in collective sorrow at a news conference this morning from the Astros Press Room. "Carlos [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2008
Chipper Jones to miss rest of softball season with strained oblique
ATLANTA, GA -- Chipper Jones, already on the DL for the Braves, strained his oblique in his second at-bat in Tuesday's softball game and will miss the rest of the [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2008
Joba will be on smaller, more strict pitch count when activated
NEW YORK, NY -- In an effort to protect one of the most valuable arms in their system, the New York Yankees have declared that Joba Chamberlain will be on [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2008
Sabathia-Fielder combo devastating to Milwaukee buffet owners
MILWAUKEE, WI -- The recent acquisition of pitcher CC Sabathia has sent Milwaukee all-you-can-eat buffet owners running for the hills. "Prince Fielder was bad enough, but at least he was [continue reading...]
Posted on August 12th, 2008
Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids
LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on August 11th, 2008
John Edwards admits to cheating in fantasy baseball league
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A tearful John Edwards admitted to SSNN yesterday that he repeatedly hacked into opposing player's accounts during the course of the current fantasy baseball season to gain [continue reading...]
Posted on August 11th, 2008
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