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Barry Bonds Archives
American public still under impression baseball players of old wouldn’t have used steroids
NEW YORK, NY—A recent poll conducted by Major League Baseball and ESPN in the wake of the firestorm of controversy following Alex Rodriguez’s admission of steroid use during his [continue reading...]
Posted on February 12th, 2009
Tell-all book reveals McGwire took steroids, had facial hair, played for Cardinals
ST. LOUIS -- A tell-all book by controversial slugger Mark McGwire’s estranged brother Jay is being met with interest by the sporting world thanks to the revelation that the book [continue reading...]
Posted on January 24th, 2009
Kent retires, much to nobody’s dismay
LOS ANGELES, CA -- A major hot stove story broke from the Los Angeles Dodgers today, where five-time All-Star and probable Hall-of-Famer Jeff Kent announced his retirement from Major League [continue reading...]
Posted on January 22nd, 2009
Pedro Gomez still inexplicably standing outside Bonds’ house
PHOENIX, AZ -- Police were called to a serene, gated community here in Phoenix again Thursday, where they arrested ESPN reporter Pedro Gomez for the 18th time this year for [continue reading...]
Posted on August 15th, 2008
Extra 10% in oft-used sports cliché discovered to be steroids
NEW YORK, NY -- The war on performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports may not be over, but an independent team of researchers operating in New York have won a significant [continue reading...]
Posted on June 18th, 2008
Specter begins investigation into National Spelling Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- On May 30th, in front of a live TV audience, Sameer Mishra took home the top honors at the 2008 Scripps National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling [continue reading...]
Posted on June 17th, 2008
Underweight benchwarmer admits to steroid use
ASHEVILLE, NC -- Though more and more high-profile professional athletes are under the microscope for alleged steroid use, it is arguably more disturbing when a former over-30 B-league soccer player [continue reading...]
Posted on June 16th, 2008
Actress Milano expected to break Ripken streak
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- According to her online baseball blog, former Charmed star Alyssa Milano expects to have sex with Tampa Bay Rays rookie bullpen catcher Arturo Guzman this Saturday night, [continue reading...]
Posted on June 12th, 2008
Bonds indictment changed to include head growth, testicle shrinkage
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- In February, Judge Susan Illston ordered prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury case to refile their charges in order to avoid the case being thrown out [continue reading...]
Posted on May 15th, 2008
Zito taking aim at single-season loss record
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Barry Zito has a chance to have a record-breaking 2008 season – and for his part, he says he will strive to achieve it. The modern record [continue reading...]
Posted on April 29th, 2008
Clemens, Bonds form support group for ostracized steroid abusers
SAN BERNARDINO, CA -- The steroid scandal in baseball and performance-enhancing drug scandals in other sports have centered largely around the perpetrators of these crimes, at the expense of the [continue reading...]
Posted on April 1st, 2008
Canseco’s testicles, Selig’s dour expression lead Cooperstown’s steroid exhibit
COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame announced today that it has begun planning for an exhibit on steroids. The centerpiece of the exhibit will be a case displaying [continue reading...]
Posted on March 7th, 2008
Bonds blown away by size of indictment
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- A stunned Barry Bonds apparently cannot get over how enormous the indictment against him for perjury is. "I mean, seriously, that thing is hundreds of pages [continue reading...]
Posted on January 29th, 2008
Anderson, McNamee ties may go beyond steroids
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- A new and exciting twist has evolved in the saga that is steroid use in Major League Baseball, involving two of its most pertinent personas. In [continue reading...]
Posted on January 9th, 2008
Bonds tells judge he’ll keep lawyers
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Barry Bonds told a federal judge today that he'd like to hold on to two members of his legal staff, even though they've represented witnesses against [continue reading...]
Posted on December 21st, 2007
Mitchell Report more entertaining than Minority Report
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In spite of the fact that it's a 409-page document that must be downloaded as a PDF from ESPN.com, an independent study has determined that [continue reading...]
Posted on December 18th, 2007
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Bonds to take time off
Clearly Barry thought better of this idea last year, as he ended up playing almost the whole season. But there's still time to go back and get that chemistry degree. [continue reading...]
Posted on December 14th, 2007
Bonds furious over attention paid to McGwire and Sosa after release of Mitchell Report
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Despite the widespread media attention he has received as a result of the federal investigation into his relationship with BALCO, Barry Bonds was livid [continue reading...]
Posted on December 13th, 2007
Valdez: “Imagine how much I would have sucked” without PEDs
MEXICO CITY, MEXICO -- When reached for comment regarding his name appearing among a group of steroid users in the Mitchell Report, former major-league starter and reliever Ismael [continue reading...]
Posted on December 13th, 2007
Local fantasy owner files protest seeking money back, championship trophies
SANTA CLARA, CA -- Accountant John Donovan is furious today at what he perceives to be "gross injustices" in the way that the Santa Clara Fantasy Baseball Association has handled [continue reading...]
Posted on December 13th, 2007
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