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Barack Obama Archives

Ozzie Guillen throws perfect temper tantrum

CHICAGO, IL—Players and clubhouse reporters could hardly have known Thursday afternoon when they filed into the White Sox locker room that they were about to witness baseball history. When [continue reading...]

Posted on July 23rd, 2009

Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed

WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of [continue reading...]

Posted on April 15th, 2009

After Obama selects North Carolina to win national championship, team goes to Senate for confirmation

WASHINGTON, DC -- The North Carolina Tar Heels were selected by president Barack Obama to win the National Championship, and took the first major step toward that goal with an [continue reading...]

Posted on April 8th, 2009

Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers

DETROIT, MI--President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety [continue reading...]

Posted on March 30th, 2009

Sports reporter would rather be covering economy instead of a basketball game

PORTLAND, OR—Portland Tribune reporter James Answel found himself completely unable to focus during the Trailblazers 111-94 rout of the Lakers Tuesday night, his journalistic mind preoccupied with matters outside the [continue reading...]

Posted on March 12th, 2009

Manny Ramirez can’t stop talking about “difficult economic times”

LOS ANGELES, CA—No one is safe from economic hardships these days, not even the multi-billion dollar sports industry. Players, coaches, and owners alike have all felt the pinch of the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Obama bets stimulus plan on Super Bowl

WASHINGTON, DC -- President and number one sports fan Barack Obama has bet the future of the trillion dollar economic stimulus plan on the outcome of this weekend's Super Bowl [continue reading...]

Posted on January 30th, 2009

Arenas forced to drop “Black President” nickname

Arenas recently learned he has to give up his “Black President” nickname.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With Barack Obama's Tuesday inauguration as America's first African-American president, Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas has had to come to some tough realizations. "All of a sudden, [continue reading...]

Posted on January 28th, 2009

CBS decision to ring in Obama presidency with “One Shining Moment” montage proves controversial

CBS thought it wise to use “One Shining Moment” for their Obama montage… Oops.

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After spending most of the day Tuesday covering the inauguration of new US President Barack Obama, CBS television used the evening and all night to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 23rd, 2009

Obama signs executive order shutting down Detroit Lions

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Calling its existence “an affront to everything our nation stands for” and declaring its legacy “a stain upon our history that we will never be able to fully erase," [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Jacksonville Jaguars blogger can’t figure out uncharacteristically low traffic from Tuesday

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Area man Charles Marrow, head writer for “JagsLand,” a blog devoted to the Jacksonville Jaguars, was perplexed today by the unusually low number of visits to his blog Tuesday [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Anquan Boldin only Cardinal to not watch inauguration; shunned by teammates

GLENDALE, AZ—Along with an estimated two-thirds of their countrymen, the Arizona Cardinals took a break from their team meeting Tuesday morning to watch the inauguration of Barack Obama as the [continue reading...]

Posted on January 21st, 2009

Utley to write inauguration speech for Obama; will be full of hope, optimism, profanity

PHILADELPHIA, PA -- The office of President-Elect Barack Obama announced today that Chase Utley, injured second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies, has written Barack Obama's inauguration speech. "We are pleased to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 20th, 2009

Obama wears Bernard King jersey to White House; has to turn it inside out

WASHINGTON, DC -- An attempt to forge some solidarity with his new neighbors backfired for President-elect Barack Obama this week, when he was forced to turn inside-out the throwback Bernard [continue reading...]

Posted on January 13th, 2009

Obama to throw out first pitch at Sox opener; Cubs get Sarah Palin

CHICAGO, IL -- In the immediate aftermath of the US Presidential Election, Chicago White Sox general manager Kenny Williams invited President-Elect Barack Obama to throw out the first pitch of [continue reading...]

Posted on December 25th, 2008

Obama doesn’t really have an issue with the way the Yankees spend money

HONOLULU, OAHU, HI -- President-elect and extreme sports fan Barack Obama is always willing to offer an opinion as to how the sports world can improve itself. However, when reached in [continue reading...]

Posted on December 24th, 2008

TO mad that people aren’t including him in stuff anymore

DALLAS, TX -- When Terrell Owens thought that Tony Romo and Jason Witten were re-making plays with the explicit purpose of not including him, it was the last straw. Owens [continue reading...]

Posted on December 21st, 2008

McCain throws red challenge flag on election

John McCain has thrown his red challenge flag.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Nearly a month and a half after the final results were tallied, Republican Presidential candidate John McCain has thrown his red challenge flag on the 2008 Election. "After [continue reading...]

Posted on December 16th, 2008

Lebron James furious about all these damn emails from David Plouffe and Barack Obama

CLEVELAND, OH -- Lebron James checks his email about three times a day, and he's getting pretty sick of seeing the words "Plouffe" and "Obama" every time. "I donated $25 to [continue reading...]

Posted on December 16th, 2008

Former college journalism major furious with fantasy football leaguemates due to lack of appreciation of weekly newsletter

PHOENIX – Drama arose Wednesday on the message boards of the Mike Vick’s Kennel Club Fantasy League not because of what was said, but because of what wasn’t. Every Tuesday morning [continue reading...]

Posted on December 15th, 2008