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Arizona Cardinals Archives

Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher

NEW YORK -- Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming "Where the hell is Ashton?!" over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed [continue reading...]

Posted on February 18th, 2009

Rodgers-Cromartie to coaches: “We should have quadruple-covered Holmes at the end there.”

GLENDALE, AZ—As the 2008 Arizona Cardinals began to pack it up on a season in which they fell just short of winning the Super Bowl, one player, rookie cornerback Dominique [continue reading...]

Posted on February 5th, 2009

Kurt Warner orders Whopper, declares faith to drive through attendant

PHOENIX, AZ -– Kurt Warner had just led the Arizona Cardinals a heartwrenching defeat in Super Bowl XLIII against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was exhaused. When the aging quarterback [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Todd Haley to interview with Chiefs about the possibility of yelling at their players

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The Arizona Cardinals have granted permission to the Kansas City Chiefs, who wish to interview Arizona offensive coordinator Todd Haley. "We think Todd could [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Kordell Stewart still waiting for people to show up at Super Bowl party

TAMPA BAY, FL -- Even though it's been three days since the Super Bowl, and the victorious Pittsburgh Steelers have already returned to the upper Midwest and celebrated with a [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

American viewers becoming disturbed with growing trend of exciting Super Bowls

TAMPA BAY, FL—Last night’s exciting Super Bowl finish, involving two lead changes in the last three minutes, is part of a growing trend that some in America are calling worrisome: [continue reading...]

Posted on February 2nd, 2009

CC Sabathia “so freakin’ pumped” for Springsteen halftime show

TAMPA BAY, FL—Like much of America, Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia is looking forward to tomorrow's Super Bowl. Unlike the overwhelming majority of his countrymen, however, Sabathia will not be tuning [continue reading...]

Posted on January 31st, 2009

Obama bets stimulus plan on Super Bowl

WASHINGTON, DC -- President and number one sports fan Barack Obama has bet the future of the trillion dollar economic stimulus plan on the outcome of this weekend's Super Bowl [continue reading...]

Posted on January 30th, 2009

God to smite prayers at Super Bowl

HEAVEN -- God is mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it any more. The Almighty ripped Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner and Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu for [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2009

Patriots coach Bill Belichick caught taping the Cardinals’ taping of the Steelers’ practice

TAMPA BAY -- New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is facing a new suspension today after he was caught videotaping the Arizona Cardinals, who were taping the Pittsburgh [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2009

Kurt Warner regularly thanks God for Matt Leinart sucking

TAMPA, FL -- As a successful man of faith, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has often found himself giving thanks to his creator for the many good things that have [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

Cardinals move up to seventh in ESPN’s latest power rankings

BRISTOL, CT -- Sunday's release of the ESPN.com's latest NFL power rankings saw the Arizona Cardinals make a big jump to seventh, while the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings took [continue reading...]

Posted on January 25th, 2009

Cardinals receiver says Bernoulli Effect to blame for sideline spat

PHOENIX, AZ -- Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Anquon Boldin laughed off criticism of his nationally-televised animated argument with offensive coordinator Todd Haley, calling the disagreement “a minor spat over the [continue reading...]

Posted on January 24th, 2009

Giants surprisingly unsympathetic to lower-seed teams

NEW YORK, NY—In a rather puzzling and unexpected turn of events, the members of the New York Giants, most only one year removed from their improbable victory over the previously-unbeaten [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Anquan Boldin only Cardinal to not watch inauguration; shunned by teammates

GLENDALE, AZ—Along with an estimated two-thirds of their countrymen, the Arizona Cardinals took a break from their team meeting Tuesday morning to watch the inauguration of Barack Obama as the [continue reading...]

Posted on January 21st, 2009

God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers

PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 21st, 2009

God tells Warner he’s rooting for Steelers

PHOENIX, AZ—As is his custom after every game, win or lose, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner did not visit clubs or hook up with groupies Sunday night after his team’s 32-25 [continue reading...]

Posted on January 20th, 2009

Steelers still not sure who they’ll face in Super Bowl XLIII

PITTSBURGH, PA -- Though the glow from their AFC Championship victory over the Baltimore Ravens has yet to fully fade, the Pittsburgh Steelers are ready to move on and begin [continue reading...]

Posted on January 19th, 2009

UPDATE: Kurt Warner actually not giving a full $500 per player to charity this year

PHOENIX, AZ -- A very upset Kurt Warner contacted SSNN late Friday to inform the staff of a critical error in a story published Friday. SSNN published a story Friday that [continue reading...]

Posted on January 17th, 2009

Kurt Warner makes donations in his teammates name as a thank you for getting him to the Pro Bowl

PHOENIX, AZ -- On the eve of the franchise's biggest game in the last sixty years, the Arizona Cardinals clubhouse is in turmoil today after Kurt Warner gave presents to [continue reading...]

Posted on January 16th, 2009

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