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Andy Pettitte Archives

Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Astros to add new attractions to Minute Maid Park

HOUSTON, TX -- Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane announced today that he would be adding new features to Minute Maid Park in order to bolster sagging attendance. "We're very excited about [continue reading...]

Posted on June 11th, 2008

Waitress says Clemens is terrible tipper

HOUSTON, TX -- A waitress is furious after she claimed Roger Clemens left her a vial of an unidentified substance instead of cash for a tip. Twenty-two year-old Sara Nelson, [continue reading...]

Posted on March 3rd, 2008

Pettitte took HGH to strengthen relationship with God

TAMPA, FL -- An emotional Andy Pettite addressed reporters Tuesday at Yankees camp, telling them that he took human growth hormone only a couple of times, and that in all [continue reading...]

Posted on February 19th, 2008

McNamee found unconscious with baseball-sized head wound

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In another shocking twist in the Roger Clemens steroid case, material witnesses and former trainer Brian McNamee was found unconscious in the court bathroom after giving his [continue reading...]

Posted on February 14th, 2008

Clemens tells Congress same story as 60 Minutes, press

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After appearances from Chuck Knoblauch and Andy Pettitte in the last week, the congressional committee looking into the Mitchell Report deposed Roger Clemens today regarding [continue reading...]

Posted on February 5th, 2008

Jeter not going to waste pick on self in fantasy league

NEW YORK, NY – In a candid and emotional interview with SSNN early this morning, Derek Jeter admitted he wouldn’t waste a fantasy draft pick [continue reading...]

Posted on January 14th, 2008

Mitchell Report more entertaining than Minority Report

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- In spite of the fact that it's a 409-page document that must be downloaded as a PDF from ESPN.com, an independent study has determined that [continue reading...]

Posted on December 18th, 2007

Local fantasy owner files protest seeking money back, championship trophies

SANTA CLARA, CA -- Accountant John Donovan is furious today at what he perceives to be "gross injustices" in the way that the Santa Clara Fantasy Baseball Association has handled [continue reading...]

Posted on December 13th, 2007

God to smite first-born sons of Yankees

CLEVELAND, OH -- Shifting into the final phase of Operation Destroy Yankees, God announced after Friday night's game that he plans on killing the first-born son of each [continue reading...]

Posted on October 6th, 2007

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