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Alex Rodriguez Archives

Reporter develops new “on steroids” game for A-Rod, kind of like “in bed” with fortune cookies

SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA -- In an amazing development of modern journalism, reporter Michael Terwilliger of SSNN's Palm Beach, Fla. satellite office has developed an amazing game. "It's just like the fortune [continue reading...]

Posted on February 27th, 2009

Dominican baseballer A-Rod responds to charges — “No hablo Ingles.”

NEW YORK -- Controversy exploded this weekend when Dominican-American baseballer Alex Rodriguez was accused of using steroids. Rodriguez, widely considered the greatest player in the game, went into seclusion virtually immediately. [continue reading...]

Posted on February 9th, 2009

Manny Ramirez can’t stop talking about “difficult economic times”

LOS ANGELES, CA—No one is safe from economic hardships these days, not even the multi-billion dollar sports industry. Players, coaches, and owners alike have all felt the pinch of the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Yankees assign Mark Teixeira to wake up CC Sabathia from hibernation

NEW YORK -- With spring training just around the corner, the New York Yankees are beginning their final preparations for the season. This year, that includes the daunting task of [continue reading...]

Posted on January 23rd, 2009

Local fantasy league commish draws first pick in the draft for fourth year in a row

BLOOMINGTON, MI -- Even though snow still covers the frozen Michigan tundra, the first sign of spring has appeared for the members of the Bloomington Fantasy Baseball Association. The BFBA conducted [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Yankees sign Santa Claus to a 10-year, $210M deal; still get no presents

NEW YORK, NY -- Continuing their off-season spending spree, the Yankees nabbed two big-name free agents yesterday, first baseman Mark Teixeira, and North Pole resident Santa Claus. Though Teixeira’s 8-year [continue reading...]

Posted on December 25th, 2008

Yankees make a play for another big-named pitcher

BRONX, N.Y. -- Following the historic signing of pitcher C.C. Sabathia, the New York Yankees are in talks with another big name, announcing Thursday that they are going to pursue [continue reading...]

Posted on December 12th, 2008

A-Rod to play for Israel in World Baseball Classic?

MIAMI, FL -- After weeks of rumors incorrectly asserting that Alex Rodriguez would play for the Dominican Republic in the upcoming World Baseball Classic, SSNN has learned that actually the [continue reading...]

Posted on December 7th, 2008

A-Rod and Madonna schedule Xmas party for the night before Jeter’s

NEW YORK, NY -- Every year for the last ten, Derek Jeter has rented out the Broome Street Bar one of the last weekends before Christmas, and he has all [continue reading...]

Posted on November 27th, 2008

Madsen seen checking out a Playboy magazine at Los Angeles Public Library

LOS ANGELES, CA -- T-Wolves and former Lakers backup center Mark Madsen is facing a lot of criticism today after a passerby noticed him in the Los Angeles Public Library, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 20th, 2008

Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro

FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill [continue reading...]

Posted on November 12th, 2008

Local man goes “slumpbusting” to end bad streak at work; wife is furious

IOWA CITY, IA -- Local communications specialist David O'Reilly has been having some trouble at work recently, so he finally decided to do something about it. "I haven't been able to [continue reading...]

Posted on October 22nd, 2008

Sarah Palin eats Scott Boras’s soul, becomes nicer

MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- SSNN has learned that Sarah Palin ate Scott Boras's soul last night, and actually became a much more friendly, generous person than she had been beforehand. "Yes, I [continue reading...]

Posted on September 4th, 2008

Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”

NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

WNBA - Whatever it Takes to Keep People Watching

Looks like a lot has changed in the world of sports since I last blogged. WNBA making headlines? Hummina? Ladies, I have to say that the Biotch is very proud of [continue reading...]

Posted on July 30th, 2008

Cynth-Rod accuses Madonna of tampering

Madonna remains skinny, but has become creepy.

MIAMI, FL -- In a bold and unorthodox move, Cynthia Rodriguez has accused Madonna of tampering with her soon-to-be-ex-husband Alex Rodriguez, and has asked NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to make [continue reading...]

Posted on July 21st, 2008

PETA protests Favre’s return

Favre loves animals, but PETA still hates him…

GREEN BAY, WI -- A protest by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals went horribly awry on Monday, leaving many longtime supporters confused and thousands of Brett Favre fans [continue reading...]

Posted on July 14th, 2008

SSNN forced to pull A-Rod story when it actually becomes true

A-Rod’s Kabbalah study caused near disaster at SSNN.

CHICAGO, IL -- The Serious Sports News Network is reeling today after an ironic twist of events which resulted in a scheduled story for the satire site being pulled from [continue reading...]

Posted on July 8th, 2008

Cynthia Rodriguez seeking half in divorce filing

C-Rod hopes to be the next great power/speed prospect in MLB…

MIAMI, FL -- Citing irreconcilable differences, Cynthia Rodriguez has filed for divorce from New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez, seeking half of her husband's money and assets, including at least half [continue reading...]

Posted on July 7th, 2008

Changes in store for All-Star Game

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- After a wildly popular voting session that boasted an all-time high 20 million votes, MLB commissioner Bud Selig announced today that there will be a [continue reading...]