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Adam Jones Archives

Pacman Jones’ off-season workout to consist of “get[ting] my smoke on.”

DALLAS, TX—The disappointing end to the Dallas Cowboys’ season left many of the members of America’s Team™®© with the desire to work hard in the off-season, and come back better [continue reading...]

Posted on January 15th, 2009

Pacman to Ditka: “From my cold, dead hands!”

NEW YORK, NY -- Mike Ditka’s made an unusual—and probably unconstitutional—suggestion on "NFL Countdown" yesterday that the NFL should bar all players from owning guns, following Plaxico Burress’ arrest following [continue reading...]

Posted on December 1st, 2008

Madsen seen checking out a Playboy magazine at Los Angeles Public Library

LOS ANGELES, CA -- T-Wolves and former Lakers backup center Mark Madsen is facing a lot of criticism today after a passerby noticed him in the Los Angeles Public Library, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 20th, 2008

Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro

FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill [continue reading...]

Posted on November 12th, 2008

Adam Jones actually didn’t realize what “zero tolerance” meant

DALLAS, TX -- A dismayed Adam "Pacman" Jones is stunned that he's been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for his role in an altercation the other day and his violation [continue reading...]

Posted on October 14th, 2008

Actual email from President Bush regarding the commution of Marion “Pacman” Jones’ prison sentence

SSNN has obtained an exclusive email from President George W. Bush to White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten. Bush received a request from Olympic sprinter Marion Jones to commute [continue reading...]

Posted on August 6th, 2008

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