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Tampa Bay Rays Archives

Evangelicals take credit for Tampa Bay playoff berth

TAMPA BAY, FL -- Christian evangelicals across the country are rejoicing today as the Tampa Bay Rays have made the playoffs, an event for which evangelicals are taking complete credit. "See [continue reading...]

Posted on September 24th, 2008

Upton joins basketball league to burn excess energy

Upton feels great since joining a basketball team.

TAMPA, FL -- B.J. Upton has apparently joined a three-on-three, full court basketball league in order to burn some of his excess energy and stay in shape, SSNN has learned. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 22nd, 2008

BJ Upton wets himself due to lack of hustle

Upton was none too pleased after his accident.

TAMPA BAY, FL -- Tampa Bay Rays second baseman had an embarrassing moment Monday when he micterated in his pants in the middle of the fourth inning. Upton, who has been [continue reading...]

Posted on August 19th, 2008

Eva Longoria thrilled to be voted in to the All-Star Game

NEW YORK, NY -- Actress Eva Longoria told SSNN that she is "excited and thrilled" to have been selected by the fans as the final member of the American League [continue reading...]

Posted on July 13th, 2008

Rays’ Maddon hailed as Second Coming

This is what Jesus looks like with thick-frame glasses and a crew cut.

TAMPA, FL -- Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon has, by the standards of many baseball experts, performed a miracle in leading his previously hapless squad to first place in [continue reading...]

Posted on July 10th, 2008

“Devastated” Jair Jurrjens reacts to trade by ruthless fantasy owner

ATLANTA, GA--A "heartbroken and disgusted" Jair Jurrjens arrived at the ballpark Wednesday after disovering late Tuesday night that he'd been traded away by rapacious fantasy baseball owner John Tain. Tain, the [continue reading...]

Posted on July 2nd, 2008

A-Rod’s heart touched by Katy Perry single

A-Rod is presumably preparing to kiss someone, possibly with cherry chapstick

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- With the New York Yankees hovering in third place in the AL East, 5.5 games behind the surging Tampa Bay Rays, Alex Rodriguez has been [continue reading...]

Posted on June 30th, 2008

Five people expected to attend “Battle of Florida”

ST. PETERSBURG, FL -- The Tampa Bay Rays and Florida Marlins will square off this weekend in the not-so-eagerly anticipated "Battle for Florida." In the Sunshine State – a peninsula largely [continue reading...]

Posted on June 13th, 2008

Actress Milano expected to break Ripken streak

Oh, the things Alyssa could do with that bat and a major leaguer…

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- According to her online baseball blog, former Charmed star Alyssa Milano expects to have sex with Tampa Bay Rays rookie bullpen catcher Arturo Guzman this Saturday night, [continue reading...]

Posted on June 12th, 2008

Rays thought they were drafting different Beckham

TAMPA, FL -- It seemed to most observers that the Tampa Bay Rays got the man they wanted with the first overall pick in Thursday's draft – with nobody selecting [continue reading...]

Posted on June 10th, 2008

Shields suspend self for “girly punches” following Rays-Red Sox brawl

Shields shows his signature “duck and cower”

TAMPA, FL -- Apparently the punishment Major League Baseball doled out to Tampa Bay Rays' starter James Shields following a bench-clearing brawl was not enough for the big right-hander. Shields, [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Crisp to file sexual harassment suit against Navarro

BOSTON, MA -- Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp says punching wasn't the only thing going on between him and Tampa Bay Rays catcher Dioner Navarro at the bottom of [continue reading...]

Posted on June 6th, 2008

Pedro challenges Don Zimmer to UFC fight

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- With rumors circulating about a possible retirement following the 2008-2009 MLB season, New York Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez gave a possible hint as to his [continue reading...]

Posted on May 22nd, 2008

MLB establishment, press, fans all excited about AL East expansion

BOSTON, MA -- Sportswriters across America are baffled by the emergence of other teams in the American League East this season. Newspapers and websites alike – not to mention the [continue reading...]

Posted on May 20th, 2008

Upton furious with Rays over demotion of Evan Longoria

TAMPA, FL -- B.J. Upton is seething mad this week after the Rays demoted uber-prospect Evan Longoria to the minor leagues. "I really can't believe they would do this to us," [continue reading...]

Posted on March 26th, 2008

Hamels punches wall, creates new continent

ST. PETERSBURG, FL -- Following a rough spring training outing on Friday – when the Phillies visited and lost to the Tampa Bay Rays – Cole Hamels was frustrated. The [continue reading...]

Posted on March 10th, 2008

Gammons: Bedard trade delay hurting O’s chance to suck more in ‘08

BRISTOL, CT -- According to ESPN baseball maven Peter Gammons, the continuing Erik Bedard trade saga is slowing down the offseason progress of the Baltimore Orioles organization and threatening the [continue reading...]

Posted on February 7th, 2008

Anna Benson still acting like she’s famous

FREDERICK, MD -- It was just a normal Wednesday night for the staff at the Frederick Applebee's – that is, until Hurricane Anna arrived. At approximately 8 pm, Anna Benson and [continue reading...]

Posted on December 14th, 2007

Trop accidentally turned into mini golf course

TAMPA, FL -- Confusion and chaos ensued Wednesday afternoon when the Tampa Bay Devil Rays game against the visiting Baltimore Orioles had to be postponed because the field had been [continue reading...]

Posted on July 25th, 2007

Dukes takes swing at reconciliation with “Dick in a Box”

ORLANDO, FL -- In an unexpected attempt at reconciliation, Elijah Dukes violated his restraining order and presented his wife with a gift: his dick, in a box. Dukes allegedly showed [continue reading...]

Posted on July 20th, 2007

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