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St. Louis Cardinals Archives
Ryan Howard is nailing chicks as if he won the MVP
PHILADELPHIA, PA -- Albert Pujols may have the National League MVP trophy, but Ryan Howard is absolutely nailing chicks like he's the NLMVP. "He's definitely exhibiting some MVP-level sexuality right now," [continue reading...]
Posted on November 21st, 2008
Pujols told he’s MVP — responds, “Of the Cardinals?”
ST. LOUIS, MO -- When he found out he was named MVP, Albert Pujols was floored. "I honestly cannot believe this honor," Pujols said. "I'm so thankful to my teammates [continue reading...]
Posted on November 18th, 2008
St. Louis Cardinals bench Matt Leinart
ST. LOUIS, MO -- St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa shocked the world today by announcing that he was proactively benching Matt Leinart in favor of and older, more experienced [continue reading...]
Posted on September 4th, 2008
Astros put down El Caballo
HOUSTON, TX -- Astros Owner Drayton McLane and General Manager Ed Wade hung their heads in collective sorrow at a news conference this morning from the Astros Press Room. "Carlos [continue reading...]
Posted on August 13th, 2008
Brewers cut Braun, Torres
MILWAUKEE, WI -- The Milwaukee Brewers made a stunning move following their four-game sweep of the Cardinals Thursday, when they released Ryan Braun and Solomon Torres, two of the best [continue reading...]
Posted on July 25th, 2008
Bob Gibson to stage Cardinals comeback
ST LOUIS, MO -- In a move designed to keep up with their National League Central rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals announced today that Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson [continue reading...]
Posted on July 12th, 2008
Celtics’ bandwagon collapses under immense weight
BOSTON, MA -- Tragedy struck the Celtics fan base today as the team's bandwagon suddenly collapsed beneath millions of people in green "BEAT LA" t-shirts. Thousands were injured, though no [continue reading...]
Posted on June 17th, 2008
Actress Milano expected to break Ripken streak
HOLLYWOOD, CA -- According to her online baseball blog, former Charmed star Alyssa Milano expects to have sex with Tampa Bay Rays rookie bullpen catcher Arturo Guzman this Saturday night, [continue reading...]
Posted on June 12th, 2008
Pujols adds insult to injury
ST. LOUIS, MO -- After injuring the San Diego Padres' Chris Young and Josh Bard earlier this week, an emotional Albert Pujols called a press conference today – in an [continue reading...]
Posted on May 24th, 2008
Padres management “not that upset” after Pujols injures entire team
SAN DIEGO, CA -- Before last night, it seemed that things couldn't get any worse for the San Diego Padres. The club, which lost their chance at last year's postseason [continue reading...]
Posted on May 22nd, 2008
NL Central teams petition to have games ended after eight innings
NEW YORK, NY – In an unprecedented move, management from four of the teams within the National League Central Division have petitioned MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow their teams [continue reading...]
Posted on May 12th, 2008
Zito taking aim at single-season loss record
SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Barry Zito has a chance to have a record-breaking 2008 season – and for his part, he says he will strive to achieve it. The modern record [continue reading...]
Posted on April 29th, 2008
Dead cardinal, white sock found under Bartman’s seat at Wrigley
CHICAGO, IL -- Maybe Wrigley Field is cursed after all. Days after a Boston Red Sox fan who was working construction on the new Yankee Stadium buried a Red Sox [continue reading...]
Posted on April 15th, 2008
Parents furious over Astros’ syringe giveaway promotion
HOUSTON, TX -- An embarrassed Houston Astros front office issued a statement today apologizing for a promotion gone awry. The club gave away free syringes to the first 1,500 kids [continue reading...]
Posted on April 10th, 2008
St. Louis Cardinals to get discount on pitchers’ arm surgeries
ST. LOUIS, MO -- Over the past couple of years, the St. Louis Cardinals have been beset by arm injuries suffered by their pitching staff. The pitchers on the current [continue reading...]
Posted on March 26th, 2008
Cards aim for shutdown of Jupiter alcohol sales
JUPITER, FL -- In an effort to keep the blood alcohol levels of its players and coaches below the legal limit, the St. Louis Cardinals organization has taken the unprecedented [continue reading...]
Posted on February 20th, 2008
Nick Barkman, accountant, retiring from pro sports dream
ST. LOUIS, MO -- At a small press conference held in his living room, 24-year-old Nick Barkman shocked the world today by announcing his retirement from dreaming about playing on [continue reading...]
Posted on January 14th, 2008
LaRussa blames DUI on supplements from Ankiel
WEST PALM BEACH, FL -- Cardinals Manager Tony LaRussa pleaded guilty this week to a DUI charge stemming from an incident that occurred during spring training eight months ago. At [continue reading...]
Posted on December 2nd, 2007
Americans prepare for most productive workday since October 2004
USA -- Millions of Americans are scrambling today to set up meetings, schedule phone calls, and arrange client visits; all in a desperate attempt to avoid face-to-face contact with gloating [continue reading...]
Posted on October 29th, 2007
Ankiel control problems not entirely behind him
ST. LOUIS, MO -- Rick Ankiel's return to the majors has been the most inspirational storyline of the 2007 baseball season, but the plot isn't without its bumpy spots. Ankiel's [continue reading...]
Posted on September 5th, 2007
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