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Roger Goodell Archives
Matthew Stafford flees to Canada to avoid playing for Detroit Lions
NEW YORK, NY—Shortly after being notified that he had been drafted by the Detroit Lions, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford packed what belongings he could carry and fled north to Canada, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 1st, 2009
Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher
NEW YORK -- Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming "Where the hell is Ashton?!" over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed [continue reading...]
Posted on February 18th, 2009
NFL season to climax today with Pro Bowl
HONOLULU, HI -- The 2008-09 NFL season will climax this afternoon with the annual playing of the Pro Bowl, the most highly anticipated wonderful afternoon of football in the whole [continue reading...]
Posted on February 8th, 2009
Schwartz hoping NFL adds regular season games for shot at loss record
DETROIT, MI -- Now that he has been formally introduced as the head coach of the 0-16 Detroit Lions, former Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz has begun the process [continue reading...]
Posted on January 17th, 2009
Vick threatening to become a vet if he can’t play in NFL
LEAVENWORTH, KS -- After watching his former team thrive with rookie Matt Ryan at quarterback, former NFL star Michael Vick knows his days as an Atlanta Falcon are over – [continue reading...]
Posted on January 15th, 2009
“Plaxico” facing serious decline as a baby name
NEW YORK, NY -- An exclusive SSNN report has revealed that the popularity of "Plaxico" as a baby name is plummeting due to the recent shooting incident and other controversies [continue reading...]
Posted on December 13th, 2008
Texans-Jaguars game was actually played Monday, contrary to reports
HOUSTON, TX -- SSNN has learned that the Monday Night Football contest between the Houston Texans and Jacksonville Jaguars actually did take place last night and was not cancelled as [continue reading...]
Posted on December 2nd, 2008
Pacman to Ditka: “From my cold, dead hands!”
NEW YORK, NY -- Mike Ditka’s made an unusual—and probably unconstitutional—suggestion on "NFL Countdown" yesterday that the NFL should bar all players from owning guns, following Plaxico Burress’ arrest following [continue reading...]
Posted on December 1st, 2008
Roger Goodell Pardons Culpepper
DETROIT, MI—Every Thanksgiving since 1954, the NFL has observed a timeless and heartfelt tradition when the Commissioner pardons a Detroit Lion from playing for the horrendous and dubious franchise. This [continue reading...]
Posted on November 30th, 2008
Former Vick dog busted for public urination
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA -- As Michael Vick returned to Virginia for another hearing regarding his dog-fighting exploits, it seems the behavioral indiscretions exhibited by Vick are extending themselves to pretty much [continue reading...]
Posted on November 23rd, 2008
Dolphins petition Supreme Court to end NFL season early so they finish with a winning record
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Unsatisfied with Roger Goodell’s latest decision concerning their future, the Miami Dolphins have filed an emergency petition with the United States Supreme Court, demanding that the current NFL season [continue reading...]
Posted on November 13th, 2008
Favre and Belichick to create douchebag magnet Sunday; expected to lure thousands to Foxboro
FOXBORO, MA—Scientists are scrambling this week, as supercomputers from the University of Chicago’s Yerkes Observatory have forecasted that this coming Sunday, in Foxboro, the presence of Patriots head coach Bill [continue reading...]
Posted on November 12th, 2008
Adam Jones actually didn’t realize what “zero tolerance” meant
DALLAS, TX -- A dismayed Adam "Pacman" Jones is stunned that he's been suspended indefinitely by the NFL for his role in an altercation the other day and his violation [continue reading...]
Posted on October 14th, 2008
Sarah Palin told Travis Henry that selling cocaine was legal
BILLINGS, MT -- Embattled former Denver Broncos running back, facing drug trafficking charges from the federal government, has an unusual excuse for his behavior. According to Henry, Republican vice presidential [continue reading...]
Posted on October 2nd, 2008
Missouri legislature promotes Mizzou to NFL; removes Chiefs and Rams
JEFFERSON CITY, MO -- In an unprecedented and likely illegal tour de force, the Missouri state legislature passed a bill today that would remove the Kansas City Chiefs and St. [continue reading...]
Posted on September 24th, 2008
Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids
LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]
Posted on August 11th, 2008
Cynth-Rod accuses Madonna of tampering
MIAMI, FL -- In a bold and unorthodox move, Cynthia Rodriguez has accused Madonna of tampering with her soon-to-be-ex-husband Alex Rodriguez, and has asked NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to make [continue reading...]
Posted on July 21st, 2008
NFL not looking for gang signs
NEW YORK, NY -- A day after news outlets around the country reported that the National Football League was reviewing past game tapes to look for players flashing gang signs, [continue reading...]
Posted on July 17th, 2008
Entire NFL outsourced to Africa in cost-cutting move
NEW YORK, NY – Growing excitement stemming from the opening of training camps throughout the National Football League was overshadowed yesterday by the decidedly controversial decision to outsource the entire [continue reading...]
Posted on July 5th, 2008
Belichick also misinterpreted the rules of marriage
BOSTON, MA -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's claim that he misinterpreted the rules preventing the taping of the opposition's signals during games elicited a firestorm of doubters, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 19th, 2008
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