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Pittsburgh Pirates Archives
Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed
WASHINGTON, DC -- Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of [continue reading...]
Posted on April 15th, 2009
Sarah Palin eats Scott Boras’s soul, becomes nicer
MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- SSNN has learned that Sarah Palin ate Scott Boras's soul last night, and actually became a much more friendly, generous person than she had been beforehand. "Yes, I [continue reading...]
Posted on September 4th, 2008
Pirates sign Lyndon Larouche in effort to have all Laroches and LaRouches on team
PITTSBURGH, PA -- The Pittsburgh Pirates announced today that they are signing quadrennial presidential candidate Lyndon LaRouche, with the intention of amassing all living LaRoches/LaRouches on their roster. The [continue reading...]
Posted on August 2nd, 2008
Disgruntled Manny Ramirez demands trade from Dodgers
LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez wants to be traded again, asking the Dodgers formerly for a trade, about six hours before his first appearance with the team. Ramirez, [continue reading...]
Posted on August 1st, 2008
Bob Gibson to stage Cardinals comeback
ST LOUIS, MO -- In a move designed to keep up with their National League Central rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals announced today that Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson [continue reading...]
Posted on July 12th, 2008
A-Rod refuses to eat clubhouse food after Betemit double-dip
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Even though the Yankees hammered the Pirates 10-0 in Pittsburgh last night, it wasn't all smiles for the Bronx Bombers. After the game, an altercation started around [continue reading...]
Posted on June 26th, 2008
Ken Griffey, Jr. reaches 600
MIAMI, FL – Cincinnati Reds outfielder Ken Griffey, Jr. celebrated hitting his 600th career home run this week, becoming the sixth player in history and third in the last six [continue reading...]
Posted on June 11th, 2008
After hot start, Cubs brace for inevitably tough times
CHICAGO, IL -- Nearing the 100th anniversary of their last World Series title, the Chicago Cubs have thus far defied the negative culture that has smothered the franchise for nearly [continue reading...]
Posted on May 18th, 2008
NL Central teams petition to have games ended after eight innings
NEW YORK, NY – In an unprecedented move, management from four of the teams within the National League Central Division have petitioned MLB commissioner Bud Selig to allow their teams [continue reading...]
Posted on May 12th, 2008
EXCLUSIVE: Pittsburgh Pirates now hiring for all positions
[Ed. Note: Late last night – Monday April 28, 2008 – SSNN was able to acquire the following press release from a source within the Pittsburgh Pirates organization. According [continue reading...]
Posted on April 29th, 2008
Reds, cult suicidal after Cueto loss
CINCINNATI, OH -- After striking out 18 batters and walking none in his first two big league starts, there were many who thought that Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto might be [continue reading...]
Posted on April 17th, 2008
Pirates sign Crystal as everyday center fielder
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Mediocre but family-friendly entertainer Billy Crystal signed a three-year, league-minimum contract with the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Pirates front office announced Monday. The 61-year old rookie is expected [continue reading...]
Posted on March 18th, 2008
Pirates fan looking to cash in on team’s forthcoming success
EVANS CITY, PA -- Eddie Light, 34, a small business owner from Evans City, had his life changed last week when he ran into Ralph Kiner signing autographs for $25 [continue reading...]
Posted on March 13th, 2008
Pirates hire top-rated MLB 2K7 gamer as GM
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Hoping to find their own version of Theo Epstein, the Pittsburgh Pirates hired 17-year-old Chris Lengefeld, the number one rated MLB 2K7 gamer, as general manager of [continue reading...]
Posted on November 3rd, 2007
Gorzelanny looks to sell high on self
PITTSBURGH, PA -- Pittsburgh Pirates starter Tom Gorzelanny has had the rights to himself in his fantasy baseball keeper league since acquiring himself on waivers immediately after the draft. Sitting [continue reading...]
Posted on August 9th, 2007
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