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Pacman Jones Archives
Johnson injures mouth, mute 3-4 weeks
CINCINNATI, OH -- Cincinnati Bengals' publicity-seeking star wideout Chad Johnson severely burned his tongue and lips on what is being called "a particularly hot papaya" before his team's preseason game [continue reading...]
Posted on August 20th, 2008
Actual email from President Bush regarding the commution of Marion “Pacman” Jones’ prison sentence
SSNN has obtained an exclusive email from President George W. Bush to White House Chief of Staff Joshua Bolten. Bush received a request from Olympic sprinter Marion Jones to commute [continue reading...]
Posted on August 6th, 2008
Benson to enroll in flight school after latest arrest, release from Bears
AUSTIN, TX -- Though Cedric Benson's two alcohol-related arrests this summer led to his being cut from the Chicago Bears, they have not diminished his desire to succeed. "Like I've told [continue reading...]
Posted on June 10th, 2008
Henry contemplating retirement after receiving hefty economic stimulus check
PHOENIX, AZ -- An ordinary trip to the mailbox Tuesday resulted in elation and an overwhelming flood of emotion for Travis Henry. The six-year NFL veteran and current Denver Broncos [continue reading...]
Posted on May 28th, 2008
Dallas strip clubs arm security in anticipation of Pacman’s arrival
DALLAS, TX – Adam "Pacman" Jones will arrive in Dallas this season as the Cowboys' newest cornerback, and the locals are preparing. Strip clubs in the Dallas-Fort Worth area have [continue reading...]
Posted on April 29th, 2008
Chad Johnson requests trade to Dallas
CINCINNATI, OH -- In yet another twist to the epic drama that is Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson, the disgruntled star has named the team he wants to be [continue reading...]
Posted on April 25th, 2008
Jones confident plans to “smoke myself retarded” won’t affect reinstatement
DALLAS, TX -- With a trade to Dallas a possibility, Pacman Jones is singularly focused on getting reinstated to the NFL and continuing his football career, but the one-time Tennessee [continue reading...]
Posted on April 20th, 2008
Jones accidentally files for reinstatement with IRS
NASHVILLE, TN -- Racing against the clock to meet a Tuesday night deadline, suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones accidentally filed for reinstatement with the Internal Revenue Service. IRS commissioner [continue reading...]
Posted on April 18th, 2008
Vick’s prison coach eagerly awaits arrival of other NFL players
LEAVENWORTH, KS -- Happy with the recent acquisition of Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, Harvey Hill, head coach of Vick's prison team the Leavenworth Stars, has expressed great optimism with [continue reading...]
Posted on April 10th, 2008
Pacman Jones to sponsor Make It Rain Pennies for the Homeless Day
NASHVILLE, TN -- It is no secret that suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones yearns to be reinstated to the NFL. After a lengthy suspension handed down by NFL [continue reading...]
Posted on April 1st, 2008
Cowboys hire Michael Irvin to counsel troubled players
DALLAS, TX -- Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has a new resource at his disposal to help him deal with players who violate the law. Reports out of Dallas say [continue reading...]
Posted on March 26th, 2008
Spitzer resigns from office, declares for NFL draft
ALBANY, NY -- Elliot Spitzer has resigned from office as governor of the State of New York, and has declared himself eligible for the NFL draft, where he is expected [continue reading...]
Posted on March 10th, 2008
Citing failures in New Orleans, NBA moving ‘09 All-Star to Jakarta
NEW ORLEANS, LA -- Describing the All-Star Weekend in New Orleans as a "monumental error in judgment and a tremendous letdown," NBA commissioner David Stern announced that next year's All-Star [continue reading...]
Posted on February 19th, 2008
Goodell: “I can out-commish Bud Selig in my sleep”
NEW YORK, NY -- With controversy surrounding his admission of destroying tapes that were involved in the on-going New England Patriots Spygate scandal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell quickly deflected the [continue reading...]
Posted on February 19th, 2008
Pacman Jones takes nine-month appointment with FEMA
WASHINGTON, DC -- Adam "Pacman" Jones called a press conference on Thursday to express his disappointment and confusion over accepting a job with FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management [continue reading...]
Posted on September 28th, 2007
Tens of people watched ESPN’s "Meeting"
BRISTOL, CT -- The ratings for ESPN's Town Hall Meeting: The Vick Divide are in, and station president George Bodenheimer is thrilled, calling it a resounding success. "We had about 35 [continue reading...]
Posted on September 27th, 2007
Jones to continue wresting career
NASHVILLE, TN -- Controversial cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones and the Tennesse Titans have come to an agreement that will allow Jones to continue his professional wrestling career while he is [continue reading...]
Posted on August 14th, 2007
Tank accomplishes goal faster than expected
CHICAGO, IL -- The Chicago Bears waived troubled defenseman Terry "Tank" Johnson Monday after he had yet another run-in with police in Arizona early Saturday morning. Authorities suspected Tank was [continue reading...]
Posted on June 27th, 2007
Hurricane ranking scale to use NFL players
MIAMI, FL -- SSNN has learned that the National Hurricane Center, a division of the National Weather Service, will announce later today that it is changing its ratings system from [continue reading...]
Posted on June 22nd, 2007
Pacman’s true vice - Paris
NASHVILLE, TN -- Adam "Pacman" Jones was suspended Tuesday for the 2007 NFL season in violation of the NFL's personal conduct policy, stemming from ten separate incidents where he drew [continue reading...]
Posted on April 12th, 2007
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