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NFL Archives

“Experts” unable to clarify exactly what Vick would do with Pats

FOXBORO, MA—As questions swirl about the future of disgraced quarterback Mike Vick, numerous so-called experts and analysts have speculated that Vick will sign with the Patriots, despite the team having [continue reading...]

Posted on August 9th, 2009

Favre: no plans to retire from being mental pain in the ass every spring

HATTIESBURG, MS -- After a disappointing run with the New York Jets in 2008, retired quarterback Brett Favre is flirting with the Minnesota Vikings in an attempt to resurrect [continue reading...]

Posted on May 8th, 2009

Matthew Stafford flees to Canada to avoid playing for Detroit Lions

NEW YORK, NY—Shortly after being notified that he had been drafted by the Detroit Lions, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford packed what belongings he could carry and fled north to Canada, [continue reading...]

Posted on May 1st, 2009

Mel Kiper, Jr. goes into hibernation for the summer

NEW YORK, NY—Following the conclusion of last weekend’s NFL draft, ESPN’s NFL-draft analyst Mel Kiper, Jr. retreated to his cave in upstate New York where he has gone [continue reading...]

Posted on April 30th, 2009

Cutler, McDaniels to Schedule Slapfight

ENGLEWOOD, CO -- Two days after Denver quarterback Jay Cutler put his four-bedroom, seven-bathroom, one-waterfall, custom-built Denver area home on the market, the Broncos announced a final shocking twist in [continue reading...]

Posted on March 19th, 2009

Belichick trades heart-less Cassel for almost nothing

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The football world is abuzz today following reports that Bil Belichick, the devil incarnate, may have traded quarterback Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs at [continue reading...]

Posted on March 3rd, 2009

Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher

NEW YORK -- Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming "Where the hell is Ashton?!" over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed [continue reading...]

Posted on February 18th, 2009

Brett Favre preemptively retires from remaining 30 NFL teams

NEW YORK, NY - Following an announcement earlier that Brett Favre has officially retired from the New York Jets, he released a statement citing that he is also retiring from [continue reading...]

Posted on February 11th, 2009

Man furious with co-workers for skipping his Pro Bowl party

MORRISTOWN, N.J. -- Things are awkward at DataTech Systems this morning, as Charlie Zimmer is seething mad at all of his co-workers. "What can I say," Zimmer said. "I work with [continue reading...]

Posted on February 9th, 2009

NFL season to climax today with Pro Bowl

HONOLULU, HI -- The 2008-09 NFL season will climax this afternoon with the annual playing of the Pro Bowl, the most highly anticipated wonderful afternoon of football in the whole [continue reading...]

Posted on February 8th, 2009

Michael Crabtree looking forward to being selected by Lions

LUBBOCK, TX—NFL prospect Michael Crabtree is 100 percent certain that with the Detroit Lions holding the number one pick in the 2009 NFL draft, he, as the number one receiver [continue reading...]

Posted on February 7th, 2009

Kurt Warner orders Whopper, declares faith to drive through attendant

PHOENIX, AZ -– Kurt Warner had just led the Arizona Cardinals a heartwrenching defeat in Super Bowl XLIII against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was exhaused. When the aging quarterback [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

Todd Haley to interview with Chiefs about the possibility of yelling at their players

KANSAS CITY, MO -- The Arizona Cardinals have granted permission to the Kansas City Chiefs, who wish to interview Arizona offensive coordinator Todd Haley. "We think Todd could [continue reading...]

Posted on February 4th, 2009

American viewers becoming disturbed with growing trend of exciting Super Bowls

TAMPA BAY, FL—Last night’s exciting Super Bowl finish, involving two lead changes in the last three minutes, is part of a growing trend that some in America are calling worrisome: [continue reading...]

Posted on February 2nd, 2009

Obama bets stimulus plan on Super Bowl

WASHINGTON, DC -- President and number one sports fan Barack Obama has bet the future of the trillion dollar economic stimulus plan on the outcome of this weekend's Super Bowl [continue reading...]

Posted on January 30th, 2009

God to smite prayers at Super Bowl

HEAVEN -- God is mad as hell and he isn’t going to take it any more. The Almighty ripped Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner and Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu for [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2009

Patriots coach Bill Belichick caught taping the Cardinals’ taping of the Steelers’ practice

TAMPA BAY -- New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is facing a new suspension today after he was caught videotaping the Arizona Cardinals, who were taping the Pittsburgh [continue reading...]

Posted on January 29th, 2009

Kurt Warner regularly thanks God for Matt Leinart sucking

Warner regularly prays for Leinart’s suckiness.

TAMPA, FL -- As a successful man of faith, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has often found himself giving thanks to his creator for the many good things that have [continue reading...]

Posted on January 27th, 2009

Carroll actually angry at Sanchez over QB’s intent to “stick it to my daughter”

Pete Carroll has no intention of seeing his daughter violated by Mark Sanchez.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Football fans around the country were surprised earlier this month when normally ultra-supportive USC Trojans head coach Pete Carroll seemed to publicly disapprove of quarterback Mark [continue reading...]

Posted on January 26th, 2009

Cardinals move up to seventh in ESPN’s latest power rankings

BRISTOL, CT -- Sunday's release of the ESPN.com's latest NFL power rankings saw the Arizona Cardinals make a big jump to seventh, while the Miami Dolphins and Minnesota Vikings took [continue reading...]

Posted on January 25th, 2009

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