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NASCAR Archives

ARCHIVES: Elementary school librarian way too into NASCAR

Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece. TOWSON, MD -- Towson Heights elementary principal John Stephens is dealing with a significant quantity of mild complaints from parents regarding libarian [continue reading...]

Posted on November 19th, 2008

Probation for Busch, Edwards finally gives NASCAR fans some excitement

Bush takes his probation very, very seriously

NEW YORK, NY -- After years of muddling along trying to figure out how to add some drama to their sport, NASCAR officials finally stumbled upon the answer this week, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2008

Phelps fails to qualify for NASCAR race

Phelps doesn’t understand how he failed to qualify at Watkins Glen

WATKINS GLEN, NY -- Bored of just kicking the shit out of random Europeans and Asians in swimming pools, and inspired by Michelle Wie, Michael Phelps decided it was time [continue reading...]

Posted on August 9th, 2008

Randy Moss wants his NASCAR team to increase “rims” budget

FOXBORO, MA -- Randy Moss, NASCAR's newest owner after purchasing a 50 percent share in Morgan-Dollar Motorsports, is off to a rocky start with his new business partners after some [continue reading...]

Posted on July 4th, 2008

NASCAR, horse racing to merge

CHARLOTTE, NC -- In another shrewd marketing move, the executives at NASCAR have announced that they are joining forces with the Jockey Club of America and several state horse racing [continue reading...]

Posted on June 13th, 2008

Vick kicked off prison football team for dog fighting

LEAVENWORTH, KA -- Report out of Kansas today say that former NFL quarterback Michael Vick has once again been kicked off of his football team thanks to his involvement in [continue reading...]

Posted on April 7th, 2008

NASCAR to race in Australia, make right turns

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA -- In recent times, no sport has done more to expand its audience than NASCAR. Once thought of as strictly a southern sport that appealed to rednecks with [continue reading...]

Posted on March 31st, 2008

Febreze to launch new line of sports-related scents

CINCINNATI, OH -- Procter and Gamble announced today that they will release a new line of sports-related scents in May. Mariah Standish, a spokeswoman for the Febreze brand of air [continue reading...]

Posted on March 21st, 2008

NASCAR plan to have drivers drink before race fizzles

ATLANTA, GA -- NASCAR CEO Bill France has been criticized by numerous organizations, including Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention, for his idea to set [continue reading...]

Posted on March 8th, 2008

Newman drives really, really fast to win Daytona 500

DAYTONA BEACH, FL -- Joe Gibbs Racing, DEI, and the favored Hendrick Motorsports cars were all pretty fast on Sunday, but not fast enough to catch lightning fast Ryan Newman [continue reading...]

Posted on February 18th, 2008

Earnhardt regrets decision not to enter race

DAYTONA BEACH, FL – Though his year in NASCAR got off to a hot start with a win at the Budweiser Shootout, the story after Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s season-opening victory [continue reading...]

Posted on February 11th, 2008

New NASCAR rule replaces burnouts with vomiting fan

NEW YORK, NY -- A controversial new rule will make its debut this NASCAR season, with burnouts being replaced by a lucky fan getting to puke all over a real [continue reading...]

Posted on January 23rd, 2008

UK fan no longer wants Donovan after Florida loses 3 of 4

Kentucky fan Jay Marcum expressed frustration at Florida coach Billy Donovan after the Gators lost at Tennessee Tuesday night, marking the team's third loss in four games. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on January 4th, 2008

Jimmie Johnson to let “Make a Wish” kid drive final race of season

MIAMI, FL -- Jimmie Johnson, driver of the #48 car and soon-to-be back-to-back NASCAR champion, has declared that he's going to let 12-year-old Michael Montanez drive his Lowe's Chevrolet in [continue reading...]

Posted on November 12th, 2007

NASCAR to provide Jeff Gordon with ‘Jeff Gordon’ bonus

PHOENIX, AZ -- In a bizarre twist to an already exciting chase for the NASCAR Nextel Cup Series championship, NASCAR officials have announced that they'll be giving Jeff Gordon a [continue reading...]

Posted on November 10th, 2007

Mechanic loses all credibility with lack of NASCAR knowledge

ASHEVILLE, NC -- Local mechanic Johnny Danson's business is absolutely reeling this week after a stunning revelation about his limited knowledge of NASCAR. Danson Auto Body and Repair has seen a [continue reading...]

Posted on October 26th, 2007

NASCAR driver: Valtrex sponsorship “killing my game”

ATLANTA, GA -- Rookie NASCAR driver Paul Menard may be searching for a new sponsor next year. The 27-year-old Menard, considered to be one of NASCAR's up and coming stars, [continue reading...]

Posted on October 25th, 2007

Scientist: Dale Jr. number change from 8 to 88 "not exactly doubling it"

DENTON, TX -- While Dale Earnhardt, Jr. continues to brag about his shrewd move to number 88, not everyone is so impressed. Several media outlets reported last month that [continue reading...]

Posted on October 5th, 2007

Dale Earnhardt Jr. tricks step-mother, will retain Number Eight

MANASSAS, VA -- In a brilliant move of mathematical deception, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. arranged to retain his trademark number eight car in the 2008 NASCAR Nextel Cup/Sprint Cup series. [continue reading...]

Posted on September 14th, 2007

Elementary school librarian way too into NASCAR

TOWSON, MD -- Towson Heights elementary principal John Stephens is dealing with a significant quantity of mild complaints from parents regarding libarian Susan Shelson's obsession with NASCAR. "The 'America's New Mount [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2007