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Joe Torre Archives

Kent retires, much to nobody’s dismay

LOS ANGELES, CA -- A major hot stove story broke from the Los Angeles Dodgers today, where five-time All-Star and probable Hall-of-Famer Jeff Kent announced his retirement from Major League [continue reading...]

Posted on January 22nd, 2009

Joe Torre abandons Chad Billingsley in Nebraska

OMAHA, NE—The Cornhusker State has been making headlines in recent weeks, with its “safe-haven” law—allowing parents to abandon their children at local hospitals without fear of reprisals—being prominently used by [continue reading...]

Posted on October 16th, 2008

Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69

Manny’s more upset over the lies than his new uniform number.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez looked at his uniform today and was stunned to realize that he'd been given the uniform number 99 instead of 69, which he had [continue reading...]

Posted on August 28th, 2008

Dodgers to force Andruw Jones to take steroids

Even Andruw Jones can’t believe how much he sucks.

LOS ANGELES, CA -- In a controversial move, Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti has issued an executive order requiring that Andruw Jones immediately begin taking a regiment of steroids. "I [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

Ramirez plans to become gay porn star

Manny’s trademark dreads should help him in his gay porn career.

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- Looking to capitalize on his new locale, Manny Ramirez told SSNN he is hoping to get into the gay porn industry. The latest addition to the Los Angeles [continue reading...]

Posted on August 4th, 2008

Dodgers to play two outfielders

LOS ANGELES -- Citing the "egregiously bad defense and lackluster effort" that Manny Ramirez brings to the table, the Los Angeles Dodgers have decided that they'll only be playing Matt [continue reading...]

Posted on August 2nd, 2008

Disgruntled Manny Ramirez demands trade from Dodgers

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Manny Ramirez wants to be traded again, asking the Dodgers formerly for a trade, about six hours before his first appearance with the team. Ramirez, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 1st, 2008

Jones left behind after team picnic

If you see this man walking on the side of the highway, the Dodgers would like you to shoot him…

LOS ANGELES, CA -- The Los Angeles Dodgers announced today that they accidentally left Andruw Jones behind after last night's team picnic, and that while the search for the center [continue reading...]

Posted on July 14th, 2008

Don Zimmer panics, frantically calls friends in New York after watching Cloverfield

Zim smoked a cigar in tribute to his dead friend Joe Torre

TAMPA, FL -- An extremely confused and concerned Don Zimmer frantically began calling former New York Yankees teammates and fellow coaches yesterday, after seeing the movie Cloverfield and growing concerned [continue reading...]

Posted on June 9th, 2008

Mattingly tapped for lead role in Magnum P.I. movie

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Apparently being in Los Angeles has brought out the Hollywood in Dodgers bench coach Don Mattingly. The former Yankee great followed manager Joe Torre to L.A. [continue reading...]

Posted on April 8th, 2008

Jones’ contract may include lifetime supply of Dodger Dogs

LOS ANGELES, CA -- Super agent Scott Boras has steadfastly denied a rumor claiming that client Andruw Jones signed with the Dodgers for a lifetime's worth of Dodger Stadium's famous [continue reading...]

Posted on December 9th, 2007

FROM THE ARCHIVES: A-Rod torturing Jeter over dinner tab

As A-Rod prepares himself for an offseason of criticism and mockery, we pile on with a classic from earlier this year. BRONX, NY -- Citing an agonizingly annoying three months, [continue reading...]

Posted on November 12th, 2007

Torre: Dodgers may go after A-Rod, Jeter, Giambi, Rivera, Posada, Mientkievicz, Cano, Mussina, Matsui, Cabrera, Abreu and others

LOS ANGELES, CA -- New Dodgers manager Joe Torre reported today that the Dodgers are considering signing Alex Rodriguez to a record contract, and that he's also submitted a "wish [continue reading...]

Posted on November 10th, 2007

Yankee fans who hated Girardi as a player expect to hate him as manager

NEW YORK, NY -- Thursday's announcement naming Joe Girardi as the manager of the Yankees was hit or miss for fans of the Bronx Bombers. "The bum was a .260 hitter [continue reading...]

Posted on November 5th, 2007

Yankee Stadium ticket scanners link future to Torre

BRONX, NY -- The Yankees seemingly insurmountable level of disarray just got worse, with a dedicated group of ticket-takers now announcing they are going to pursue other options as a [continue reading...]

Posted on October 31st, 2007

A-Rod offers one-year deals, performance incentives to service-industry workers

BRONX, NY -- Alex Rodriguez, citing what he states is a "brilliant, performance-based standard," is beginning to offer everyone he knows one-year, incentive-heavy deals to continue in their current roles. [continue reading...]

Posted on October 29th, 2007

New “glass-is-half-full” Steinbrenner repents, extends Torre

TAMPA, FL -- Stating that "life is too short" to be angry all the time, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner has repented from his original claim and has decided to offer [continue reading...]

Posted on October 25th, 2007

Bob Brenly’s aunt angrily cancels subscription to newspaper

MORRISTOWN, NJ -- Citing what she felt was an "extreme east coast bias," and "horrifically bad reporting," Nancy Brenly has officially informed the Newark Star-Ledger that she's no longer interested [continue reading...]

Posted on October 22nd, 2007

Steinbrenner hires Trump for firing purposes

NEW YORK, NY -- Owner George Steinbrenner announced the newest member of the Yankee family Tuesday – real estate mogul Donald Trump. Steinbrenner said that while the hiring is largely [continue reading...]

Posted on October 17th, 2007

Pavano to Yankees: I won’t pitch on Yom Kippur

BRONX, NY -- Carl Pavano has chosen God over baseball, and the New York Yankees are scrambling again tonight to make sure they have enough pitchers for Friday [continue reading...]

Posted on September 20th, 2007