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Eli Manning Archives
Kurt Warner orders Whopper, declares faith to drive through attendant
PHOENIX, AZ -– Kurt Warner had just led the Arizona Cardinals a heartwrenching defeat in Super Bowl XLIII against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was exhaused. When the aging quarterback [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2009
Giants surprisingly unsympathetic to lower-seed teams
NEW YORK, NY—In a rather puzzling and unexpected turn of events, the members of the New York Giants, most only one year removed from their improbable victory over the previously-unbeaten [continue reading...]
Posted on January 22nd, 2009
Furious Archie Manning sends loser sons to bed without dinner
OXFORD, MS—Recalling that his boys had promised “never to come home again without a Super Bowl championship” and saying that he had “never heard of such appalling underachievement”, an infuriated [continue reading...]
Posted on January 19th, 2009
2008 Top 20, #3: Petty to just play Guitar Hero III for Super Bowl halftime
SSNN is presenting its top 20 posts from 2008 in order. Enjoy! GLENDALE, AZ -- This is not your father's Super Bowl. Instead of rehearsing an elaborate stage show – complete with [continue reading...]
Posted on December 31st, 2008
Peyton Manning goes “off register” on Ashley’s Christmas gift
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Colts quarterback Peyton Manning learned a valuable lesson last year when he forgot to buy presents for his wife Ashley in the holiday rush. Although tragedy was narrowly averted [continue reading...]
Posted on December 18th, 2008
Ashley Manning furious with Peyton over Iron Gym pull-up bar purchase
INDIANAPOLIS, IN -- There is only one rule in the Manning household -- no surprises. That is why Ashley Manning is furious with her husband Peyton after his recent purchase [continue reading...]
Posted on December 17th, 2008
Patriots sign Manning
FOXBORO, MA -- The New England Patriots, in a move of possible desperation, have signed Cooper Manning, older brother of Peyton and Eli, to play quarterback for the rest of [continue reading...]
Posted on September 20th, 2008
Entire NFL outsourced to Africa in cost-cutting move
NEW YORK, NY – Growing excitement stemming from the opening of training camps throughout the National Football League was overshadowed yesterday by the decidedly controversial decision to outsource the entire [continue reading...]
Posted on July 5th, 2008
Eli Manning still seething about MasterCard snub
NEW YORK, NY -- Even though it's been three years, Eli Manning is still very upset with MasterCard over an unintentional snub, and is plotting his revenge against the company. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 26th, 2008
Miami parade to honor Giants, ‘72 Dolphins
MIAMI, FL -- The Miami Department of City Planning has announced that on Friday, February 8 at noon there will be a parade – formally the "Reebok Still Perfect Parade" [continue reading...]
Posted on February 6th, 2008
Brady tired of beating Mannings
GLENDALE, AZ -- Tom Brady, usually unflappable leading up to important games, has shown uncharacteristic sensitivity to a number of issues as Super Bowl XLII approaches. In addition to admitting [continue reading...]
Posted on February 2nd, 2008
Peyton: Eli will wear Ring Sunday
PHOENIX, AZ -- Surprising the entire gathering of media and fans, Peyton Manning stepped out Friday when he predicted that his younger brother would be the second Manning to wear [continue reading...]
Posted on February 1st, 2008
Peyton Manning declares self “superior advertiser” to Brady
GLENDALE, AZ -- Peyton Manning came clean about his feelings toward Tom Brady's commercial endorsements today, announcing that he was "the superior advertiser." "I'm not talking about who's better at playing [continue reading...]
Posted on January 29th, 2008
Petty to just play Guitar Hero III for Super Bowl halftime
GLENDALE, AZ -- This is not your father's Super Bowl. Instead of rehearsing an elaborate stage show – complete with countless dancers, multiple songs, fireworks, and the rest – Tom Petty [continue reading...]
Posted on January 29th, 2008
Cooper Manning: “I’d have four rings by now.”
MEMPHIS, TN -- Cooper Manning, the out-of-the-spotlight older brother of Peyton and Eli Manning, made a rare public statement Friday. "I'd have four Super Bowl rings by now," Cooper Manning said. [continue reading...]
Posted on January 27th, 2008
KGB ruins Buck’s attempt at “perfect broadcast”
GREEN BAY, WI -- In the flash of an instant, Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila came firing around left end, summarily planting Eli Manning on his face and dashing Joe Buck's shot at [continue reading...]
Posted on January 22nd, 2008
Archie Manning buys tickets to wrong game
NEW ORLEANS, LA -- Archie Manning is out several thousand dollars after mistakenly buying plane and game tickets for this Sunday's game in Foxboro, Mass. Between the Patriots and Chargers, [continue reading...]
Posted on January 17th, 2008
Favre: Sunday’s game a “must-win”
GREEN BAY, WI -- Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre has declared Sunday's game a "must-win" for the Packers. "Look, everyone knows that I play better in big games," [continue reading...]
Posted on January 16th, 2008
Peyton Manning experiencing really weird feelings toward brother Eli
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Peyton Manning reported this week that he’s feeling some really unusual feelings directed at his brother Eli, including some feelings that he’s never felt toward Eli before [continue reading...]
Posted on January 16th, 2008
Goodell: Redskins, Bears must both try to win
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Charting new territory even for himself, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has sent an urgent memo to both the Washington Redskins and the Chicago Bears on the morning [continue reading...]
Posted on December 6th, 2007
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