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Bill Belichick Archives
Satan to Yankees fans: “It’s out of my hands”
NEW YORK, NY -- Yankee fans woke up to horrifying news this morning, after Satan, Prince of Lies and Ruler of Darkness, gave a dour prognosis for the Bronx Bombers. [continue reading...]
Posted on August 28th, 2008
“Boston Madge” keeps championship train rolling through Boston
BOCA RATON, FL -- Titletown. Championship, MA. Boston, Massachusetts has enjoyed an embarrassment of sports riches recently – between the Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics, Boston has been home to [continue reading...]
Posted on June 25th, 2008
Belichick also misinterpreted the rules of marriage
BOSTON, MA -- New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick's claim that he misinterpreted the rules preventing the taping of the opposition's signals during games elicited a firestorm of doubters, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 19th, 2008
Matt Walsh turns over tape showing Belichick in Darth Vader mask
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- SSNN has learned that the tapes former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh turned over to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell include footage of Patriots [continue reading...]
Posted on May 13th, 2008
Walker selected in fourth and seventh rounds of draft
NEW YORK CITY, NY -- More than twenty years has passed since Herschel Walker was drafted by the Dallas Cowboys in the fifth round of the 1985 NFL Draft. But [continue reading...]
Posted on April 28th, 2008
Johnson surprised to learn cheerleader he proposed to leaving Bengals
CINCINNATI, OH -- After being blindsided last week by the news that fellow Bengal receiver Chris Henry had been released by the team following the latest in his long string [continue reading...]
Posted on April 9th, 2008
Belichick downplays Spygate episode while battling evil wheelchair-bound villain
BOSTON, MA -- Months after they were embroiled in a scandal when caught videotaping an opposing team's signals, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick insists that his team has [continue reading...]
Posted on April 1st, 2008
Lucifer disgusted by Belichick’s soul, plans to sell it
HELL -- In a statement released by a spokesman for Lucifer, the horned beast has declared that he no longer has any use for the soul of New England Patriots [continue reading...]
Posted on March 11th, 2008
New England chef admits he didn’t “leave it all in the kitchen”
GLENDALE, AZ -- In the aftermath of the New England Patriots' disappointing Super Bowl loss, fingers of blame are being pointed willy-nilly throughout the organization. Few Patriot staffers, [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Puppy Bowl IV outdraws first three quarters of Super Bowl XLII
GLENDALE, AZ -- Early Nielsen polls for Sunday evening provided some unexpected news for producers of Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl IV. "We beat the Super Bowl?!" exclaimed executive producer Melinda [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Dubya places misguided congratulatory call to Patriots
WASHINGTON D.C.- As George "Dubya" Bush limps towards the final stage of his presidency, he will face what is sure to be less-than-pleasant response from the New York Giant faithful. [continue reading...]
Posted on February 4th, 2008
Shula: Patriots not undefeated until they win NCAA Tournament, World Series of Poker
GLENDALE, AZ -- Don Shula, coach of the 1972 Dolphins, hastily called a press conference outside University of Phoenix Stadium Thursday morning to make an important announcement about the New [continue reading...]
Posted on January 31st, 2008
Awkward mistletoe encounter threatens Patriots’ chemistry
FOXBORO, MA -- For the New England Patriots, a team that has relied on such precision timing and an uncanny ability to avoid trouble for the past four months, Wednesday [continue reading...]
Posted on December 20th, 2007
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Olbermann refuses to make Patriot Act joke
Keith Olbermann could have another chance to make a joke about the Patriots and videotaping this weekend, with the Jets' taping practices now in question... NEW YORK, NY -- The left-wing [continue reading...]
Posted on December 15th, 2007
Putin backs Belichick as successor
MOSCOW -- Russian leader Vladimir Putin has backed New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick to replace him as president next year, according to a Russian media report obtained by [continue reading...]
Posted on December 10th, 2007
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Patriots to sim rest of season on Madden ‘08
The Patriots were only 9-0 when Bill Belichick began to consider simulating the remainder of the season using Madden '08. That option has to be looking even more attractive now, [continue reading...]
Posted on December 9th, 2007
Patriots sell Jets game film to Iran
NEW ENGLAND and TEHRAN -- In a surprise move, the New England Patriots have agreed to sell game film of the New York Jets to Iran's controversial nuclear program. "They were [continue reading...]
Posted on December 7th, 2007
Bill Belichick runs up score against son in Madden
FOXBORO, MA -- Patriots coach Bill Belichick made news late Sunday when he was accused of running up the score again, this time in a game of Madden '08 against [continue reading...]
Posted on November 19th, 2007
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Randy Moss excited to come out of retirement
Remember how exciting it was when Randy Moss had just joined the Patriots, and he was getting ready to resurrect his career? Well, here's some help... FOXBORO, MA — "Lots of [continue reading...]
Posted on November 15th, 2007
Patriots to sim rest of season on Madden ‘08
FOXBORO, MA -- At his press conference on Monday, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced the team will simulate the rest of the season using the Madden '08 [continue reading...]
Posted on November 11th, 2007
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