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Bill Parcells Archives
Pennington to be benched for 2009 season, hopes to be first three-time Comeback Player
MIAMI, FL -- On the heels of their playoff disappointment, the Miami Dolphins have reached an agreement with quarterback Chad Pennington, the 2008 Comeback Player of the Year, to bench [continue reading...]
Posted on January 7th, 2009
Newly carbon-neutral Dolphins to use Joey Porter’s hot air to power stadium
MIAMI, FL -- The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team in history to be completely carbon neutral when they realized that by capturing the unnecessary hot air that spews [continue reading...]
Posted on November 26th, 2008
Confused Shockey thinks he was traded to the Dolphins
MIAMI, FL -- A giddy Jeremy Shockey arrived in Florida hours ago, his head spinning with excitement at the prospect of joining the Miami Dolphins and performing again in the [continue reading...]
Posted on July 22nd, 2008
Parcells swayed by 2010 sixth-rounder
MIAMI, FL -- "One man's throw-in is another man's treasure," said a visibly enthused Bill Parcells, reeling with excitement after obtaining a 2009 second round pick and a 2010 sixth [continue reading...]
Posted on July 21st, 2008
Taylor offers to teach Parcells to dance
MIAMI, FL -- Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor has made the first move in trying to repair his relationship with Bill Parcells, Miami's new Executive Vice President of Football [continue reading...]
Posted on May 29th, 2008
Dolphins may hold dance contest to lure Taylor back
MIAMI, FL -- Contrary to public reports stating otherwise, SSNN has learned that the Miami Dolphins are desperate to bring back Pro Bowl defensive end Jason Taylor. In recent months, [continue reading...]
Posted on May 22nd, 2008
Chiefs’ GM arrested for drafting while intoxicated
KANSAS CITY, MO -- NFL fans around the league knew something had gone horribly awry when it was announced that the Kansas City Chiefs had selected punter Brian Ross from [continue reading...]
Posted on April 28th, 2008
Raiders have special plans for McFadden
OAKLAND, CA -- The Miami Dolphins surprised everyone Wednesday when they announced that the organization had come to terms with Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long, preemptively making the All-American the [continue reading...]
Posted on April 24th, 2008
Jake Long demands trade from Dolphins
MIAMI, FL -- Miami Dolphins tackle Jake Long is not happy, and wants out. According to reports received by SSNN, the Michigan product – expected to be the first pick [continue reading...]
Posted on April 23rd, 2008
Big Tuna adds marine biologist to packed staff
MIAMI, FL -- Bill Parcells announced Wednesday that he has added a marine biologist to the already packed staff that he has put in place for the Miami Dolphins. Dr. Donald [continue reading...]
Posted on January 23rd, 2008
Guy sees Coors Light coach commercials for first time
TACOMA, WA -- "Die-hard" Seattle Seahwaks fan John Monroe had a doubly enjoyable day on Saturday. Not only were his beloved Seahawks playing and winning an NFL playoff game, but [continue reading...]
Posted on January 5th, 2008
Brooks accepts coaching position at Tulsa
Rich Brooks accepted the special teams coaching position at Tulsa Saturday, ending a longstanding courtship among several schools who were seeking the coach that guided the Kentucky Wildcats to an [continue reading...]
Posted on January 4th, 2008
Parcells confident his man boobs won’t distract Dolphins
MIAMI, FL -- Legendary NFL head coach Bill Parcells insists his unsightly man boobs – otherwise known as "bitch tits" – will not become a distraction to the Miami Dolphins. [continue reading...]
Posted on December 31st, 2007
Parcells enters Hawaiian Tropics competition
KIHEI, MAUI, HI -- Citing a love of the sun, plenty of free time and "bigger bozangas than any of those bitches," Bill Parcells has entered the 2007 Hawaiian Tropic [continue reading...]
Posted on July 24th, 2007
Jones mourns Smith, hires Phillips
DALLAS, TX -- In a tragic turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith was found dead Thursday morning, effectively removing herself from consideration for the Cowboys head coaching position. As a [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2007
Parcells commits Cardinal sin
DALLAS, TX -- Bill Parcells made no friends in Dallas Monday morning when - in an apparent speech mixup - he began his "retirement" press conference by announcing his acceptance [continue reading...]
Posted on January 23rd, 2007
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