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Atlanta Falcons Archives
“Experts” unable to clarify exactly what Vick would do with Pats
FOXBORO, MA—As questions swirl about the future of disgraced quarterback Mike Vick, numerous so-called experts and analysts have speculated that Vick will sign with the Patriots, despite the team having [continue reading...]
Posted on August 9th, 2009
Roger Goodell frantically searching for Ashton Kutcher
NEW YORK -- Roger Goodell was spotted late Tuesday anxiously roving the halls of NFL headquarters, screaming "Where the hell is Ashton?!" over and over, after the NFL commissioner revealed [continue reading...]
Posted on February 18th, 2009
In preseason douche poll, Lane Kiffin wins biggest douche in the SEC award, stunning the field
KNOXVILLE, TN -- The Lane Kiffin era in Tennessee is off to a better start than ever hoped, with the results of the conference's annual Preseason Douchebag Coach Poll being [continue reading...]
Posted on February 9th, 2009
Vick threatening to become a vet if he can’t play in NFL
LEAVENWORTH, KS -- After watching his former team thrive with rookie Matt Ryan at quarterback, former NFL star Michael Vick knows his days as an Atlanta Falcon are over – [continue reading...]
Posted on January 15th, 2009
Vick pleads guilty, sentenced to four years as Lions QB
DETROIT, MI -- Michael Vick flew to Virginia this week and plead guilty to state charges of dogfighting. Vick struck a deal in which he'll not have to face additional [continue reading...]
Posted on November 27th, 2008
GroupWrite: Michael Vick to rehabilitate with Cowboys
SSNN is introducing a new feature in which we'll announce a headline and solicit input from our readers, that we'll put together into a story written by the readership. If [continue reading...]
Posted on November 25th, 2008
Former Vick dog busted for public urination
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA -- As Michael Vick returned to Virginia for another hearing regarding his dog-fighting exploits, it seems the behavioral indiscretions exhibited by Vick are extending themselves to pretty much [continue reading...]
Posted on November 23rd, 2008
GroupWrite: Michael Vick to rehabilitate with Cowboys
SSNN is introducing a new feature in which we'll announce a headline and solicit input from our readers, that we'll put together into a story written by the readership. If [continue reading...]
Posted on October 31st, 2008
Co-worker won’t shut up about picking Michael Turner in the 10th round
HERSHEY, PA -- Lavar Dickerson has enraged his fellow co-workers with his non-stop bragging about how he stole Atlanta Falcons RB Michael "The Burner" Turner in the 10th round of [continue reading...]
Posted on September 9th, 2008
Taylor offers to teach Parcells to dance
MIAMI, FL -- Miami Dolphins defensive end Jason Taylor has made the first move in trying to repair his relationship with Bill Parcells, Miami's new Executive Vice President of Football [continue reading...]
Posted on May 29th, 2008
Vick’s prison coach eagerly awaits arrival of other NFL players
LEAVENWORTH, KS -- Happy with the recent acquisition of Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick, Harvey Hill, head coach of Vick's prison team the Leavenworth Stars, has expressed great optimism with [continue reading...]
Posted on April 10th, 2008
Vick kicked off prison football team for dog fighting
LEAVENWORTH, KA -- Report out of Kansas today say that former NFL quarterback Michael Vick has once again been kicked off of his football team thanks to his involvement in [continue reading...]
Posted on April 7th, 2008
Carroll agrees to Falcons’ proposal on one condition
LOS ANGELES, CA -- Sources tell SSNN that USC head coach Pete Carroll spoke at length with Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank via phone Thursday evening about the Falcons' head [continue reading...]
Posted on January 11th, 2008
Petrino still unaware that Michael Vick is Marcus Vick’s brother
Atlanta Falcons first-year coach Bobby Petrino stuck with Michael Vick as his starting quarterback yesterday, this time crediting Vick’s family for defending his oft-troubled star player. “No question [continue reading...]
Posted on January 4th, 2008
NFL teams sponsor Peterson cloning experiment
MINNEAPOLIS, MN -- SSNN has received word that at least four NFL teams have reached an agreement with the Minnesota Vikings to attempt to clone Adrian Peterson. NFL organizations in [continue reading...]
Posted on December 20th, 2007
Petrino to Falcons: “Psych! I’m staying with you!”
ATLANTA, GA -- Bobby Petrino strolled into the Atlanta Falcons locker room Wednesday morning, walked directly over to DeAngelo Hall, and had a brief staredown. Then he grabbed the Pro Bowl [continue reading...]
Posted on December 12th, 2007
Petrino heads to Arkansas to build program on “commitment and loyalty”
FAYETTEVILLE, AR -- Late Tuesday, in a hastily called press conference, Bobby Petrino announced that he is returning to the collegiate coaching ranks, where he intends to build a program [continue reading...]
Posted on December 11th, 2007
FROM THE ARCHIVES: Vick beginnning to question friends’ loyalty, integrity
In retrospect, Vick was right to question his friends. And given the fact that he'll be spending 20+ months in jail, I think it's safe to say that "Guy's Night" [continue reading...]
Posted on December 11th, 2007
Desperate Vick attorneys throw red challenge flag at sentencing
RICHMOND, VA -- With their client already in jail and seemingly no recourse remaining to them, Michael Vick's attorneys launched a last-ditch effort to stop their client from going to [continue reading...]
Posted on December 10th, 2007
Vick caught editing 2007 out of Wikipedia entry
RICHMOND, VA -- Early this week, Michael Vick found himself in hot water when he was caught using his limited computer time to edit the entire year of 2007 out [continue reading...]
Posted on December 7th, 2007
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