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ARCHIVES: Kobe officially tired of talking about how Shaq’s ass tastes

Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece. LOS ANGELES, CA -- Finally breaking his silence about Shaquille O'Neal's controversial freestyle rap, Kobe Bryant revealed to SSNN that – not [continue reading...]

Posted on November 20th, 2008

Chinese gymnasts looking forward to high school

BEIJING -- In the wake of controversy surrounding the age of the Olympic Chinese gymnasts, SSNN exclusively overhead two members of the gold medal team, He Kexin, and Deng Linlin [continue reading...]

Posted on September 8th, 2008

New York teen unimpressed with “Redeem Team” victory

HARLEM, N.Y. -- Terrell Robinson doesn't get what all the fuss is about. Robinson, 17, of Harlem, watched with interest last week as the United States basketball "Redeem Team" handled their [continue reading...]

Posted on August 29th, 2008

Olympics rocked by another age scandal

Can you say Olympic cougar?

BEIJING, CHINA -- As the Olympics closed, one more scandal rocked the games, as American swimmer Dara Torres was found to be only 41 years old, and not 42 years [continue reading...]

Posted on August 27th, 2008

Ann Curry annoying friends, family, country by referring to Olympics as “Games of the 29th Olympiad”

Ann Curry looks hot in a suit, but is incredibly annoying.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Ann Curry's friends and family report that they've been "really annoyed" for over two weeks, Ms. Curry refuses to refer to the Olympics by any name other [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Costas’s kids to get playing cards, t-shirts from airport gift shop

This is how Costas smiles when giving gifts to his children.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Bob Costas was spotted in an airport gift shop on Monday morning purchasing last-minute souvenirs for his children, whom he apparently forgot about during his month in [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Women’s gymnastics top-rated program among men 34-55 fitting FBI pedophile profile

This Johnson-Liukin hug was a hot moment for pedophiles.

NEW YORK, NY -- The Nielsen Media Research Corporation has announced the ratings results of last week's Olympic games. The top-rated sport this time around was swimming – this came as [continue reading...]

Posted on August 26th, 2008

Paul impresses with genuine interest in other cultures during Olympics

Paul happily used the Olympics to immerse himself in other cultures.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Though Chris Paul's performance on the basketball court was less than spectacular during the Olympic games, but his coaches and teammates from the "Redeem Team" have praised [continue reading...]

Posted on August 25th, 2008

DataTec “Work Olympics” an enormous failure

BETHELEHEM, PA -- DataTec Systems office manager Richard Scottson is always looking for new ways to inspire the 13 employees at his branch of the Pennsylvania payroll provider. "With the economy [continue reading...]

Posted on August 25th, 2008

Major conflict brewing between women’s field hockey and water polo teams

I’ll take field hockey in a fight, because they have sticks.

BEIJING, CHINA -- The Olympic Village has been rocked this week with major conflict between the United States field hockey and women's water polo teams, who have developed a sort [continue reading...]

Posted on August 21st, 2008

Anthony on China: Everyone is talking “crazy talk”

Speak English, Speak English!

BEIJING, CHINA -- Carmelo Anthony called his family Tuesday and reported that "everyone in China be talkin' crazy talk," SSNN has learned. "Everyone here speaks gobbledeegoop and bananamannah," Anthony reportedly said. [continue reading...]

Posted on August 20th, 2008

Gasol on photo controversy: “You should’ve seen our other ideas!”

Gasol and friends show off their hip racism.

BEIJING, CHINA -- If you were offended by the recent photograph of the Spanish basketball team "slanting" their eyes to mimic the way Chinese people look, Pau Gasol wants you [continue reading...]

Posted on August 15th, 2008

2012 Olympics to include sports other than swimming, gymnastics

London Olympics

LONDON, ENGLAND -- Tense and nervous officials from the London Olympic committee announced today in a special meeting that the 2012 Olympic games will include all manner of athletic competition, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 14th, 2008

Olympic swimmer Phelps has water in ear, ends quest for history

Michael Phelps can’t hear you, he has water in his ear.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Michael Phelps, the celebrated American swimmer expected to shatter the Olympic record for most gold medals in a single Olympics, will not have the opportunity after getting [continue reading...]

Posted on August 14th, 2008

Singing Chinese girl revealed to be computer generated

Lin Miaoke, shown here, exists only as a digital creation.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Chinese government officials sent shockwaves through the international community this morning when they revealed that the nine-year-old girl who sang at the 2008 Olympic Opening Ceremony was [continue reading...]

Posted on August 13th, 2008

Woman loses wedding ring in pocket when she meets James, Paul in Beijing

BEIJING, CHINA -- Days after Kerri Walsh performed brilliantly through the distraction of having lost her wedding ring as she and Misty May-Treanor chase Olympic gold for a second time, [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Bush learns that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport

It’s not hard to believe that a guy who looks like this is as dumb as rocks.

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. President George W. Bush had an embarrassing moment today during a sightseeing trip in China, when he was informed that waterboarding is not an Olympic sport [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Artemev refused to compete unless carried off by Karolyi

Karolyi was willing to do his part for US Olympic Gold

BEIJING, CHINA -- U.S. Olympic gymnast Alexander "Sasha" Artemev put on quite a show on the pommel horse Monday night, ensuring that the United States would win a bronze medal [continue reading...]

Posted on August 12th, 2008

Lezak outduels Bernard in Beijing lunchroom

Michael Phelps cheers as Jason Lezak snags final banana in Beijing lunchroom.

BEIJING, CHINA -- Although from 30 yards away it appeared a near impossibility, somehow American swimmer Jason Lezak managed to outreach French swimmer Alain Bernard for the final banana in [continue reading...]

Posted on August 11th, 2008

1992 Dream Teamer to join 2008 Olympic basketball team

Laettner will terrify opponents by making this awful face

BEIJING, CHINA -- With the Olympics already underway, the United States basketball team has made a surprise announcement – they are going to be joined by a member of the [continue reading...]

Posted on August 10th, 2008

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