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2008 Olympics Archives
Phelps robs bank, kills man; USOC accepts apology
CHARLESTON, SC -- Olympic superstar Michael Phelps apologized to the nation today after security camera photos captured him robbing a Bank of America bank branch here in Charleston, and also [continue reading...]
Posted on February 6th, 2009
Phelps declares he’s going to win 15 gold medals in London to make up for recent misstep
BALTIMORE, MD -- An apologetic Michael Phelps has announced that he's going to win 15 gold medals at the London 2012 Olympics to make up for the embarrassment caused by [continue reading...]
Posted on February 3rd, 2009
2008 Year in Review, #2: Bob Costas is so fucking stoked right now that you have no idea
BEIJING, CHINA -- Bob Costas is so goddamn excited right now that he's fucking freaking out, dude. "I'm fuckin' flippin' my shit here, B," Costas told SSNN. "I mean I'm [continue reading...]
Posted on December 31st, 2008
2008 Year in Review, #10: Olympic swimmer Phelps has water in ear, ends quest for history
BEIJING, CHINA -- Michael Phelps, the celebrated American swimmer expected to shatter the Olympic record for most gold medals in a single Olympics, will not have the opportunity after getting [continue reading...]
Posted on December 29th, 2008
2008 Year in Review, #17: Announcer carefully studying what he can say about female gymnasts without seeming like a total pervert
BEIJING, CHINA -- Announcing for the Olympics requires a lot of preparation, as most sports fans know. Stories of Bob Costas and other announcers preparing for years in anticipation of [continue reading...]
Posted on December 28th, 2008
2012 London Olympics to be made in China
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND - In a only semi-shocking announcement, IOC President Jacque Rogge announced that while the "2012 Olympics would be held in London, they would be 100% Made in China." Rogge [continue reading...]
Posted on November 21st, 2008
ARCHIVES: Kobe officially tired of talking about how Shaq’s ass tastes
Enjoy this encore presentation of a classic SSNN piece. LOS ANGELES, CA -- Finally breaking his silence about Shaquille O'Neal's controversial freestyle rap, Kobe Bryant revealed to SSNN that – not [continue reading...]
Posted on November 20th, 2008
Chinese gymnasts looking forward to high school
BEIJING -- In the wake of controversy surrounding the age of the Olympic Chinese gymnasts, SSNN exclusively overhead two members of the gold medal team, He Kexin, and Deng Linlin [continue reading...]
Posted on September 8th, 2008
New York teen unimpressed with “Redeem Team” victory
HARLEM, N.Y. -- Terrell Robinson doesn't get what all the fuss is about. Robinson, 17, of Harlem, watched with interest last week as the United States basketball "Redeem Team" handled their [continue reading...]
Posted on August 29th, 2008
Olympics rocked by another age scandal
BEIJING, CHINA -- As the Olympics closed, one more scandal rocked the games, as American swimmer Dara Torres was found to be only 41 years old, and not 42 years [continue reading...]
Posted on August 27th, 2008
Ann Curry annoying friends, family, country by referring to Olympics as “Games of the 29th Olympiad”
BEIJING, CHINA -- Ann Curry's friends and family report that they've been "really annoyed" for over two weeks, Ms. Curry refuses to refer to the Olympics by any name other [continue reading...]
Posted on August 26th, 2008
Costas’s kids to get playing cards, t-shirts from airport gift shop
BEIJING, CHINA -- Bob Costas was spotted in an airport gift shop on Monday morning purchasing last-minute souvenirs for his children, whom he apparently forgot about during his month in [continue reading...]
Posted on August 26th, 2008
Women’s gymnastics top-rated program among men 34-55 fitting FBI pedophile profile
NEW YORK, NY -- The Nielsen Media Research Corporation has announced the ratings results of last week's Olympic games. The top-rated sport this time around was swimming – this came as [continue reading...]
Posted on August 26th, 2008
Paul impresses with genuine interest in other cultures during Olympics
BEIJING, CHINA -- Though Chris Paul's performance on the basketball court was less than spectacular during the Olympic games, but his coaches and teammates from the "Redeem Team" have praised [continue reading...]
Posted on August 25th, 2008
DataTec “Work Olympics” an enormous failure
BETHELEHEM, PA -- DataTec Systems office manager Richard Scottson is always looking for new ways to inspire the 13 employees at his branch of the Pennsylvania payroll provider. "With the economy [continue reading...]
Posted on August 25th, 2008
Major conflict brewing between women’s field hockey and water polo teams
BEIJING, CHINA -- The Olympic Village has been rocked this week with major conflict between the United States field hockey and women's water polo teams, who have developed a sort [continue reading...]
Posted on August 21st, 2008
Anthony on China: Everyone is talking “crazy talk”
BEIJING, CHINA -- Carmelo Anthony called his family Tuesday and reported that "everyone in China be talkin' crazy talk," SSNN has learned. "Everyone here speaks gobbledeegoop and bananamannah," Anthony reportedly said. [continue reading...]
Posted on August 20th, 2008
Gasol on photo controversy: “You should’ve seen our other ideas!”
BEIJING, CHINA -- If you were offended by the recent photograph of the Spanish basketball team "slanting" their eyes to mimic the way Chinese people look, Pau Gasol wants you [continue reading...]
Posted on August 15th, 2008
2012 Olympics to include sports other than swimming, gymnastics
LONDON, ENGLAND -- Tense and nervous officials from the London Olympic committee announced today in a special meeting that the 2012 Olympic games will include all manner of athletic competition, [continue reading...]
Posted on August 14th, 2008
Olympic swimmer Phelps has water in ear, ends quest for history
BEIJING, CHINA -- Michael Phelps, the celebrated American swimmer expected to shatter the Olympic record for most gold medals in a single Olympics, will not have the opportunity after getting [continue reading...]
Posted on August 14th, 2008
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