Manhattan social services rescues infant child from incompetent fantasy owner father

MANHATTAN — When Emmitt Adelson and his wife Kim had a daughter recently, they named her Michelle. It was a moment of joy for both of them and their families. However, the joy surrounding the birth turned to tragedy Tuesday when Manhattan Social Services took their child away, based on a rare clause in the social services code that allows a child to be taken away based on poor judgment exhibited by an adult in managing a fantasy baseball team.

“I think it’s fair to say that Emmitt Adelson’s fantasy performance this season is atrocious enough that he cannot have a child in his house,” said Donna Ravel, the agency’s director. “The combination of poor decision-making, negligence to the rules, lack of understanding of even basic concepts, repeated violations of the same maxims, and generally baffling behavior has forced our hand. His wife seems like a lovely lady, extremely competent, and we hope that by taking away their child they are able to focus on demonstrating some modicum of ability to follow the rules of the league.”

Adelson is the first working investment banker with an MBA to have his child taken away in Manhattan this year, but he is actually the third to fall under this unusual clause. It was his frequent selection of other people’s players that tipped the scales, Ravel said. “The league in which Adelson plays is complicated, to be sure. But it’s not THAT complicated. Have you ever tried to put together a crib properly? That’s complicated. Have you ever tried to remember not to leave your baby in a car with the windows rolled up in the middle of the summer? That’s hard. But simply making sure that you draft a second catcher? Or don’t pick up a minor league player that is in someone else’s system? Come on.”

The Adelsons are appealing the decision, but Ravel was adamant. “This man is not equipped to manage another human being’s life,” Ravel said. “This man is barely capable of setting his lineup properly. And we are expecting him to be able to make a snap decision if his child is choking? Jesus Christ, people, he contracted Denard Span!”

Not everyone agrees with the decision.

“I think his management of the team is fine,” said friend and league-mate Jason Ruffalo, who was seen Thursday wearing his dress shirt inside out (again). “Denard Span is at least as good of a contract as Matt LaPorta, and I gave LaPorta three years.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!