“Experts” unable to clarify exactly what Vick would do with Pats

FOXBORO, MA—As questions swirl about the future of disgraced quarterback Mike Vick, numerous so-called experts and analysts have speculated that Vick will sign with the Patriots, despite the team having an offense that relies heavily on its passing game and already having all-pro Tom Brady.

“Vick needs an image makeover,” said Pardon the Interruption host Tony Kornheiser. “The Patriots have a proven track record of turning noted malcontents into team players: just look at Corey Dillon and Randy Moss,” at no point mentioning what Vick’s role with the team would be.

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“I know that New England doesn’t run the wildcat offense, they already have the best quarterback in the league, and have two backups who can hand the ball off to avoid a potential injury to Brady, but really, this would be a fantastic spot for Vick to rebuild his career,” claimed Sports Illustrated’s Peter King.

“I can see potential in Vick’s use as a decoy,” opined Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. “Maybe have him run to one side of the field and yell, ‘I killed dogs and I ain’t even sorry!’ so everyone tries to beat the shit out of him while the ball carrier runs free. Something like that.”

Vick, with his career 75.7 career QB rating, would join a Patriots offense that has dominated the NFL with its passing game in recent years, including its infamous 2007 season, in which the Pats set records in points scored, passing touchdowns, receiving touchdowns and points scored.

“So what if he’s a below-average QB whose first instinct is to run and would give the already-hated Patriots more unwanted attention? Vick is the missing piece the Patriots need to get to the top,” said ESPN analyst Trent Dilfer, apparently without a trace of irony.

Vick could not be reached for comment, as he busy structuring a deal with the USFL Ohio Outlawz.