Sosa: “See, that corked bat thing doesn’t look so bad now, does it?”

CHICAGO, IL—Amid revelations that he tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, Sammy Sosa took the opportunity yesterday to address different allegations, specifically those that arose after he was discovered using a corked bat during a game in 2003.

“My reputation took a big hit after that corked bat incident,” Sosa told SSNN through an interpreter, as he doesn’t speak any English at all, ever. “People called me a cheater, a fraud. Even after all of my other bats were proven to be clean, I always felt that my reputation took an irreversible hit. Now, as a positive test for a banned substance comes forward, I think we can all safely put that messy episode behind us.”

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Sosa, the latest high-profile star to be connected with steroids, had managed to stay relatively above suspicion of cheating for most of his career, the most serious allegation of misconduct coming after the corked bat20incident.

“After surviving allegations that I might have altered my bats to gain an unfair advantage, I think this whole steroid thing will seem mild by comparison,” rationalized the former MVP. “I mean, steroids is one thing—I’m pretty certain every baseball player who has had a modicum of success on the field in the last 20 or so years was juicing—but a corked bat? That’s a lonely club, man.

“They called me such terrible names,” said a choked-up Sosa. “I’ll never forget it.

“I remember sitting in bed after I got suspended,” the former outfielder said. “I just kept thinking, ‘What if this keeps me out of the Hall [of Fame]? I’ve spent my whole life working at baseball, and now, thanks to a silly mistake, I might be viewed as a cheater forever.’ Now, I can happily take my rightful place next to such names as Bonds, McGwire, Rodriguez, and Canseco.”

Cubs fans were quick to jump to Sosa’s side.

“Finally, I don’t have to listen to people badmouthing Sammy,” said Greg Troy, a vendor at20Wrigley Field. “Next time some Cardinals fan goes ‘Haha! Your all-time home run leader was a cheater!’ I’ll go, ‘Yeah, but he used steroids like a real man, not a corked bat like some pussy-whipped bitch.’”

“I’ll admit, every time I heard Sammy’s name, I did feel a twinge of anxiety, knowing that he might’ve used a corked bat to hit all those homers,” revealed Sam Igleman, a stock broker. “Now that I know he was just injecting anabolic steroids into his ass for years and years, well it feels a lot better.”

Hall of Fame voters have also declared that they will take the corked bat incident into perspective following the steroid revelations.

“Oh, yeah, believe me, the corked bat thing will be the furthest thing from my mind,” said a BBWAA member, who spoke to SSNN on condition of anonymity. “Any discussion about his stupid fungo bat will be white noise compared to everything else, I assure you.”

For Sosa, years of anxiety and shame will mercifully draw to a close. “It feels like a huge weight off my shoulders,” said the seven-time all-star. “I can finally close the pain ful chapter of being Sammy Sosa, convicted bat-corker and begin a new life as Sammy Sosa, steroid abuser.”