Detroit to commit suicide if Red Wings don’t win Stanley Cup

DETROIT, MI—In a 10-month span that witnessed the collapse of its vaunted car industry, a continued stay as the nation’s most dangerous city, and an 0-16 Lions season, it seemed that the city of Detroit would finally have something to cheer about when the Red Wings took a 2-0 over the Pittsburgh Penguins in the Stanley Cup Finals. With the series now tied 3-3, the city of Detroit faces the real threat of another heartbreaking ending, prompting residents to announce they would all voluntarily end their lives if the Red Wings fail to win game seven tonight.

“I have nothing left to live for,” said a hopeless-looking Pete Molko, a laid off autoworker. “If the Wings don’t close it out tonight, I’m offing myself. I don’t even like fucking hockey, that’s how pathetic I’ve grown. I’ve got to the point where I’m hedging the worthless debris of my alleged life on a goddamn hockey game.”

Jack Karner, who lost his job of 10 years and his marriage of 16 in a period of six weeks in the fall, says he came close to murdering himself shortly after the Lions ran the table in reverse, but lacked the energy to do anything other than weep on his couch. Karner, revitalized by the Wings’ playoff run, swore to SSNN that should the Red Wings put another dent into the city’s soul, he will follow through with his threat of terminating his existence.

“I might jump off a bridge. Or steal somebody’s car just so I can turn on the engine and fall asleep in it. It’ll probably dep end on how badly it goes down. If we lose in a shootout I might hang myself just so I can prolong my suffering a bit longer. If it’s a blowout, on the other hand, I might just jump in front of a bus, make it quick and easy, you know?”

Kevin Sczmata, who was forced to move back in with his elderly parents after losing his house, has gone one step further, selling enough of his blood to purchase a Remington 870 pump-action shotgun, which he has kept loaded and constantly by his side, so he will not have to spend more than 5 seconds in what he termed “this world of unending pain” should the Wings lose.

However, it is not only ordinary citizens who have promised a violent end to the city’s woes. City officials have also pledged what they can to putting Detroit out of its misery once and for all, should Pittsburgh capture the Cup. Mayor David Bing, sworn in to office on May 11, held a press conference earlier today in raggedy clothes, and, according to witnesses, reeking of alcohol. An incoherent Bing said something involving planted explosives , before vomiting on himself and being led away.

Police chief James Barren echoed the mayor’s promises of destruction.

“Do you have any clue how close we are to cracking?” a flustered Barren told SSNN in between fending off complaints of widespread violations of civil rights and plans for tackling an astronomical call volume. “Everyone in this department is hanging by a fucking thread right now. If the boys don’t pull it off tonight, we’re gonna burn this city down to the ground and kill every living being left. If Chris Osgood does not sac up and get his shit together, he is gonna have a lot of blood on his hands.

“Then again, if [the Red Wings] win, they’ll be massive celebrations that we’ll have to deal with,” realized a crushed Barren. “Fuck me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!