Sidney Crosby upset because all the hats on the ice hurt his vagina

WASHINGTON, DC — Alex Ovechkin put the puck in the net for his third goal Monday and the hats started to pour down from all the reaches of the Verizon Center in Washington, DC, and all of a sudden, Sidney Crosby’s vagina started to hurt so bad.

“All of a sudden, it was like my vagina was just on fire,” Crosby said. “My vagina has never hurt that bad. Ever. It was like the worst pain I’ve ever had in my vagina, and believe me, my vagina has hurt a lot a few times.”

Apparently, according to Crosby, there is something that happens when a lot of hats are thrown on the ice in celebration of another player’s hat trick that produces some sort of unusual reaction in his vaginal area.

“You know how guys are always saying that it hurts so bad when they get hit in the crotch?” Crosby said. “Well, I imagine that this is what that feels like. My vagina hurt so bad. I haven’t had a child yet, but I feel like childbirth could be the only thing worse.”

Crosby said he iced his vag all night and that he thinks it’s better.

“Dude, my poonanner hurt so bad all night last night, it was unreal,” he said. “But I had a big old bag of ice, crushed ice chips, you know, and I just shoved it down there over the old vag. I really packed it in, you know, because there’s nothing down there to get in the way of it. I just created like a vag-ice-glove-form-fitting-vag-covering-jooby-jabby-type thing, and I just sat there until my labia were numb. God, it felt divine.”

The Pittsburgh Penguins were obviously worried about their superstar’s health condition.

“We’ve consulted some doctors about the malady that Sidney is facing,” said an unnamed team source. “However, so far, the best recommendation that they can give us is that he ‘grow a pair.’ So, we’re looking into that, but obviously we’re not optimistic.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!