Matthew Stafford flees to Canada to avoid playing for Detroit Lions

NEW YORK, NY—Shortly after being notified that he had been drafted by the Detroit Lions, Georgia quarterback Matthew Stafford packed what belongings he could carry and fled north to Canada, where he plans to join up with a CFL team in the hopes of avoiding his commitment to the Lions.

“I believe playing for the Detroit Lions is immoral,” Stafford told SSNN shortly before he crossed the border. “I think what that organization does on the football field is totally unconsciable. I cannot, as a person with a commitment to winning and self-improvement, participate in the suck machine that they’ve created.

“I’ve said for years that I think the Detroit Lions are unbelievably unethical and have no business taking young men in the prime of their athletic careers and ruining their hopes and dreams by making them play year after year for teams that will never see .500, let alone make the playoffs.

“Don’t get me wrong,” the number-one pick quickly added, “It’s not that I’m against all football teams. I would’ve, for example, been perfectly willing to play for the Steelers or the Giants. But this is a whole different scenario. Those are good, ethical teams that have a clear purpose. The Detroit Lions are not one of those teams.

“I’m just not willing to go and play for an immoral team stuck in a hopeless situation where it cannot possibly win. I could get seriously injured. And for what? So the Ford family can continue their barbaric determination to suck? I think not.”

When asked why he simply couldn’t demand a trade, or declare himself physically unable to perform, the former All-American replied that he didn’t feel that that was a tactic that was effective anymore.

“If I thought that would work, I would,” sighed Stafford. “But you know how tough those guys are. Genuine winners get sent out onto the field all the time by them. Roy Williams, for example. He hated the Detroit Lions more than anybody I knew, and he told the selection committee so. But they didn’t care; they shipped his ass down to Ford Field for four fucking years. The man was an absolute wreck when he got back to the World.”

“Roy was the strongest guy I knew,” continued the Capital One Bowl MVP. “I knew if he couldn’t hack it in Detroit, there was no way in hell I could.”

Stafford told SSNN that after going over all the options available to him that would enable him to avoid his NFL commitment, including intentionally blowing out his knee, gaining weight, and pretending he was gay, he decided to simply flee the county, believing it to be the most reasonable option.

“I decided against blowing out my knee on purpose because even if that got me out of going to Detroit, I’d still have a bad knee when I was older. As for gaining weight and pretending to be gay, I’m not even sure they let those fly anymore; besides, even if it does, people will think I’m a homo for the rest of my life.”

Reaction to Stafford’s move has sparked criticism from some in the sporting world. Recently-retired sportscaster John Madden told SSNN that he believes the former Bulldog’s actions to be the height of cowardice.

“Atrocious behavior,” said Madden. “Cutting and running from your responsibilities as a man. In my day, no one would have even dreamed of fleeing to Canada. When your league calls, you go. Period. I hope Roger Goodell extradites his ass back to the NFL. If people need any proof that hip-hop music and baggy clothing are ruining this country, just take a look at Matthew Stafford.

“I mean, of course nobody wants to go down there,” continued Madden. “You do it because it’s your duty as a football player. Barry Sanders, Kevin Johnson, Pat Swilling, I’m sure they all had other plans as well. But they ante’d up like men and did what they had to do.”

Despite all the criticism, the former number-one pick stands by his decision and shows no sign of backing down.

“I know what I’m doing,” a resolutely determined Stafford said. “I can never come back to the NFL now. I might not be able to walk into any kind of American football arena ever again. I know some people will hate me for this, and I know that some poor sap will end up taking my place in Detroit and probably get his ass handed to him, but I can’t dwell on that. All I know is I have to get out for me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!