Manny Ramirez busted for juicing

LOS ANGELES — Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games under the league’s substance abuse policy after reports have surfaced that he’s been injecting himself with various fruit juices over the last several months.

According to reports, Ramirez heard about the “juicing” going on around baseball and started to try it himself, injecting himself daily with a different form of fruit juice. He has found that he reacts the best to orange juice, and he likes the way it looks when it’s in the syringe, so that’s what he’s been using for the last six weeks.

“I just go to the store and I choose a good juice, like a Tropicana, something natural,” Ramirez said. “And then i inject it, pure. Just right into the old veins. It’s the best medicine ever. But you gotta use the natural stuff; there’s none of this Ocean Spray crap. Maybe this is just Manny being Manny, but I’ve never even heard of a cranapple.”

Ramirez said he’s not sure how well the juicing is really working.

“I gotta be honest, I don’t really understand,” Ramirez said. “I haven’t seen a huge uptick in my power numbers. I haven’t had a cold in months, though.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!