Obama thinking about having Zach Duke killed

WASHINGTON, DC — Barack Obama, fresh off of giving the command that killed three pirates in the waters off the coast of Somalia, is presently contemplating ordering the death of a fourth Pirate, namely pitcher Zach Duke, after an ill-timed complete game by the pitcher hurt Obama’s fantasy team.

“Things were going just fine until Duke comes in and throws a complete game,” Obama said. “In a head to head league, sometimes one complete game will make the difference for a full week. So now I’m 0-1 because of Zach Duke. Fine. He knows what we do to Pirates in this administration. He knows the risk.”

Obama noted that it’s much easier to kill a pirate when the pirate has “Pirates” written across the front of his shirt.

“It’s pretty stupid, really,” Obama said. “They might as well paint a bullseye on there. You’d think they wouldn’t put something on their shirt that said, ‘Hey, Obama, come kill me,’ but lo and behold, they do.”

Obama said he’s going to try and limit his killing of pirates to a handful though he’s pretty certain that Ryan Doumit won’t see September.

“Killing Pirates is fun,” Obama said. “Really fun. But, you know, I’ve got an addictive personality. So I’m going to try and be careful with it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!