Sports reporter would rather be covering economy instead of a basketball game

PORTLAND, OR—Portland Tribune reporter James Answel found himself completely unable to focus during the Trailblazers 111-94 rout of the Lakers Tuesday night, his journalistic mind preoccupied with matters outside the sporting world. Answel, who over the past several months has found himself increasingly disinterested in the sporting world, spent most of the night thinking about the current state of the economy, bitterly frustrated that he was not permitted to cover the current crisis gripping the nation.

“I’ve just been itchin’ to write a hard-hitting piece on the economy about who’s to blame,” Answel told SSNN. “Maybe some tear-jerking interviews with families who lost everything thanks to the fat cats on Wall Street and in Congress. Or a comprehensive look at President Obama’s stimulus package. Pretty much anything but this.”

Tuesday marks the second time in as many weeks that Answel has been completely unable to focus his attention on a professional sporting event,

“I just can’t focus on sports right now,” sighed the 35-year-old father of two. “With all the troubles in the world, it seems pathetic to focus on something as trivial as sports. We’ve got a conflict in Gaza, a tanking economy, two wars, massive debt, unprecedented scandal from the previous administration, rogue nations defying international law, and I’m supposed to pay attention to professional basketball? What the hell happened?”

Answel admits that recent world events have changed his perspective, causing him to reflect on the wisdom of becoming a sports journalist, something he had been eagerly anticipating since college.

“Man I can’t wait to be a sports journalist!” Answel was quoted mere hours after his graduation from Philip Merrill College of Journalism in May of 1996. “Free tickets to games, get to hang out with superstars, party with groupies, it’s gonna be a blast!”

“Hey, Wahlberg! Hope you have fun in D.C.!” Answel was heard taunting fellow graduate Jonathan Wahlberg, who went on to win a George Polk Award for his coverage of the deplorable conditions of Walter Reed Hospital. “I hear the Redskins are gonna do well next year! Haha!”

“I mean, who gives a fuck about the Trailblazers anyway?” an older Answel angrily demanded. “No one even cares about them when the economy’s good, so why the hell would they care when it’s in the toilet?”

“Our country is in the worst shape it’s been since the ‘30s and I’m wasting my time asking Kobe Bryant how he intends to bounce back from this loss. I could be plowing through financial records, uncovering corporate scandals, providing answers to the huddled masses. But no, I’m talking to an overpaid celebrity about a child’s game,” bemoaned the professional writer. “I have a God-given talent to expose corruption and evil where they hide; I could be a beacon of truth and honesty. Instead, I am a sports reporter.”

“My mind hasn’t been in the right place for awhile now,” admitted Answel. “When I heard Marbury was going to the Celtics, my first thought was, ‘He’s going to make $1.2 million? How many mortgaged houses do you think that can save?’ I told my boss, and he was like, ‘No, you stupid asshole. Leave the economy to the real journalists. Your job is to hype up nobodies and create stories where none exist. Got it?’ That hurt. I thought I was a real journalist until a few months ago.”

“I’m just not cut out for this sort of thing,” Answel sighed wearily. “Maybe I could get a job mocking the sporting world instead of covering it. Yeah, that sounds pretty easy. I’ll go with that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!