Obama chooses fifth starter for Detroit Tigers

DETROIT, MI–President Barack Obama announced today that 20-year-old phenom Rock Porcello will be the Detroit Tigers fifth starter this season, breaking camp with the big club after spending the entirety of last season in Single-A.

“Rick has shown me a lot this spring,” Obama said. “He has command of all of his pitches and he is showing a ton of poise out there. Exactly what we are looking for out of our number five.”

The announcement comes on the same day that Obama announced major restructurings at GM and Chrysler if the two companies desire to continue to receive bailout funds from the federal government.

“Look, if it happens in Detroit, I am going to be involved,” Obama said. “Whether it’s the auto companies or the Tigers or whatever, I have taken over.”

Obama said he has cancelled his schedule for Tuesday and will spend the entire day working with Miguel Cabrera on a hitch in his swing.

“I was watching some tape of Miggy yesterday and I noticed a big pause in his swing where he drops his hands,” said the President. “We gotta work that out before the season, even if it means cancelling the G20 summit.”

Obama believes that he is more committed to Detroit than any president to date.

“We will get things turned around,” he said. “Porcello is just the first step.”

Porcello was thrilled at the news.

“I woke up this morning all bummed because (Tigers manager) Jim Leyland told me yesterday that I was probably heading to the minors for at least the first half,” Porcello said. “Then I wake up today and Matt Lauer is saying that the President has made this special announcement in a late night television address. Man, was I stoked.”

In other Detroit-related news, Obama has sent a dozen suggested plays to Michigan State basketball coach Tom Izzo in anticipation of this weekend’s Final Four. He also spent most of the morning on the phone with Detroit resident Kirsty Tenson, 24, helping the secretary determine what she wanted for breakfast.

“Kirsty was going to do a biscuit and some orange marmalade,” Obama said. “But I convinced her to do some whole wheat toast with grape jelly, and a nice tall glass of OJ. So we dodged a bullet there, huh?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!