Manny Ramirez emphasizes to Dodgers he plans to sell his private jet and begin investing in alternative energy

LOS ANGELES, CA—Fresh off of his rejection of the Dodgers’ latest contract extension, Manny Ramirez released a statement through his agent Scott Boras on Monday, in which the twelve-time all-star laid out his explanation for why the money he is requesting will not be a waste of valuable resources, and why it will secure the vital components that keep the Dodgers running.

“I understand that in these difficult economic times, it can seem unhealthy, even downright irresponsible, that a major-league ballplayer should be entitled to a private jet when so many American families go without even a car and wonder if they’ll be able to make their mortgage payments,” th e statement read. “I want my fans, and the Dodgers organization, to know that I sympathize with their point of view, and I intend to sell my private jet and donate the proceeds to charity.”

The statement did not end there, however. Ramirez also went on to say that, as a testament to his commitment to a healthy and stable world, he has, for many years now, devoted a “significant” portion of his wealth towards the study of alternative energy sources.

“I take the protection and preservation of our planet very seriously,” the 36-year-old’s statement continued. “The reduction of carbon emissions is an issue that is very dear to my heart. Over the last few years, alternative energy research has become one of my top priorities. In conjunction with Alex Rodriguez, Miguel Tejada, Andruw Jones, and Todd Helton, I have been working on many projects that I feel will reduce our dependence on foreign oil, and will also make the world we live in a healthier place. If granted the appropriate funds, I plan to work tirelessly in the coming years to furthering our quest for energy independence.” SSNN has learned that Roger Clemens has been a consultant on the project.

“I know that the baseball fans of America must feel that their trust has been abused,” the statement went on, “and to a large degree they are correct. We baseball players have been living irresponsibly, and we have hurt you all with our actions. However, you have my unshakable and steadfast promise that the money I am requesting will go to good use, and will secure the Dodgers franchise for the foreseeable future and propel us to World Series glory.”

“In conclusion,” read the closing paragraph of the enigmatic slugger’s statement, “I feel that this demonstrates aptly to both the fans of baseball and the honorable members of the Los Angeles Dodgers, that I have shown a commitment to serving my community and have more than earned—and indeed, will aptly pay off with dividends—my $45 billion, 15-year contract extension.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!