Cornell fan devises diabolical plan to get Big Red past Mizzou in NCAAs

ARLINGTON, VA — Local patent attorney Mark Westeschtein is known for three things among his friends: his searingly intellectual prowess (normally viewed in application of the American patent process), his adoring fondness for his fiance, Jemmy, and his undying love of the Cornell Big Red. So you, dear reader, can imagine the scene Sunday night when Westeschtein manifested all three of these personality elements in one wondrous exchange.

The scene was set shortly after the NCAA selection show, when Westeschtein realized that the Cornell Big Red were faced with a daunting first-round matchup against the much-feared Mizzou Tigers. Instead of focusing his intellectual talents on other matters, such as how to procure a cheap limousine service for the afternoon of their wedding, or maybe a creative way to fashion invitations out of hand, Westeschtein quickly explained to Jemma that he had surmised three different ways in which the Cornell Big Red would be easily able to “totally fucking destroy the shit out of the Missouri Pussies.”

“First, maybe we could do something with the banking crisis, like maybe convince them all to invest a lot in their 401(k)s,” said Westechtein, 28, to fiance Jemma. “Maybe get DeMarre Carroll to buy a ton of Citibank stock. Ha! Dumbass probably would buy a lot of Citibank stock; it’s under two bucks!”

When Jemma did not really respond to the first idea, Westeschtein was undeterred, and quickly moved on to reason number two.

“What if,” Westeschtein asked, “we tied trip-wires about six inches off of the floor outside each of the Mizzou players’ dorm rooms? Ha! Freaking J.T. Tiller wakes up, he’s heading down to breakfast, and what happens? All of a sudden his legs go out from underneath him, and he trips! Ha!”

According to unconfirmed reports, Jemma groaned at this idea as well, prompting Westeschtein to reveal his third and “most diabolical” idea.

“This one is pretty sick,” he said. “What if we print out a Google Map and give it to the Mizzou bus driver, but instead of taking them to the stadium, the map leads them to a strip club or at least a Long John Silvers? They’d get so lost, and moreover, because they didn’t have a map that actually went to the stadium, they’d have no way to get there. Cornell University advances to the next round!”

Westeschtein is confident that, if they use one of his three methods for guaranteed victory, Cornell will certainly advance in the tournament. He’s so confident that he sent friend lifelong friend and role model Tom Anderson, who hails from Columbia, Mo., a challenge for a wager, under the subject of “Tuck the Figers.” In the email he offered a $5 wager guaranteeing that Cornell would make the next round of the tournament, at the expense of the Tigers. The wager carried the caveat of Anderson accepting 40-to-1 odds.

“I’m not sure about Mark’s plans for getting the Big Red into the next round,” said Jemma. “I’m not sure if they’ll work. I know what won’t work, though. Praying that your fiance gets off his ass and does the address list for your invites. That doesn’t work. Doesn’t work at all.”

Westeschtein recoiled at the notion that he had somehow shirked his responsibility in favor of Cornell.

“All good things in all good time,” he said. “We get through Friday, and then we worry about the invites. Oh. And GO BIG RED!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!