Collective Yawn Goes Unheard

Miami, FL — Government agencies along the East Coast of the United States have reported a previously uncharted seismic occurrence. Newly developed technology designed to measure the effect of substandard television programs on American audiences picked up a massive collective yawn last Tuesday night stretching from New York City all the way down to Savannah, Georgia. Since that time, analysts have been working overtime trying to decipher the possible causes for unified yawning.

“After four days of dedicating our best and brightest to this assignment, we have determined the most likely cause of the collective yawn,” Reported Doctor Janice Dubois from the front steps of the Myrtle Beach Center for Seismic Analysis. “Each and every one of these unfortunate individuals completely missed the most compelling baseball game of 2009, and they don’t even know it.”

Dr. Dubois went on to note that the phenomenon’s curious range was the clue that led researchers to the true cause of the event. Measureable yawning stopped decidedly in Savannah, just over 100 miles from Georgia’s southern border with Florida When the Seismic Authority’s Florida branch was asked to report on the occurrence, branch director Dr. Charles Lee replied, “What yawn? All I could hear was that David Wright single to shallow right. Holy crap! Did you all really miss that game!?” The Authority’s Miami office was unreachable by phone all week, but this reporter was finally able to track down Dr. Lee at Miami’s downtown ESPN Zone watching another tense contest between Japan and Korea. “Yeah, they called my cell phone Wednesday morning and asked why I wasn’t down at HQ. I told them I was sleeping in after that kickass WBC game at Dolphin Stadium the night before. They asked if I noticed anybody yawning, and I just kind of laughed. I told them there was a lot of drumming and some amazing baseball, but no yawning. I think that must have been what they were looking for, because they just hung up and I haven’t heard a word since.”

For those unfortunate souls who did miss the United State’s three-run rally over Puerto Rico in the bottom of the ninth inning in Tuesday night’s World Baseball Classic epic, yawning may have been an automated reaction generated by the body to absorb leftover excitement particles. Just as a normal yawn would replenish the body with much-needed oxygen, sports-related yawning is likely the result of an excitement-deficiency caused by MLB spring training and an overhyped NFL offseason. With the mainstream media’s blackout of the World Baseball Classic, sports fans are left with only the lingering sensation of something intensely exciting having happened. By comparison, a summary comment by Japan’s Ichiro Suzuki on the eve of the WBC’s opening games may shed some light on the nature of this underappreciated event. “My heart is burning.”

The East Coast yawn registered as a 6.8 on the Yanni scale, named for the sleep-inducing music of the Adult Contemporary keyboardist/composer. Seismic Authority Centers along the West Coast have been notified to stay alert as the WBC moves to Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles for the Semifinals and Finals being played through Monday.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!