Albert Pujols tearfully admits cheating

ST LOUIS, MO–In the wake of Alex Rodriguez’s revelation, St. Louis Cardinals first baseman and superstar extraordinaire Albert Pujols called a press conference today to come clean. Pujols slunk to the podium with his head held low, averting his eyes from the accusatory looks of his audience. Hands trembling, he began to speak.

“Today, I stand before you ashamed. Today I admit it! I have been cheating,” Pujols said as he wiped away tears. Pujols had long been thought to be the one pure player in an era tainted by steroids, but that dream came crashing to earth like so many meteors.

When pressed to elaborate, Pujols divulged what happened. “For years now I have engaged in ‘performance-enhancing activities’”, he said, using finger quotes. “Before games, on my days off, even during the offseason, I pay people in the Cardinals organization to stay late and throw batting practice to me. Not only that, but I have used such aids as a pitching machine and a tee. Dear God, I can’t believe I used a tee. I am so embarrassed. It goes back to high school when everyday, after school, a group of about 20 of us would go down to the local diamond and practice. We’d practice for hours. Eventually I got good. I mean real good, like nailing the prom queen good.”

Pujols had to stop for a minute and choke back some emotion. After clearing his throat, he continued to explain what happened. It appears that after he graduated from high school people began to pay for him to practice full time. He even spoke of an underground league of major league players in Florida and Arizona that runs for a month before the season starts. Apparently the purpose of this league is to gain a competitive advantage before actual play begins.

Many in the media believe that this development portends the end of American civilization as we know it.

“Apparently the Steroid Scandal that has permanently scared Major League Baseball is deeper than we thought,” said Keith Olbermann, of MSNBC. “Not only are professional athletes paying for illegal drugs to enhance their stats, some are devoting time and effort to gain an edge. If something isn’t done, more and more young children will begin to emulate this behavior. Imagine millions of young American children spending their precious summer days running around a baseball field enjoying the outdoors. Think of the consequences to our nation’s youth. Children who have learned about sportsmanship, competition, and fair play will grow into tolerant, intelligent, and athletic adults. Think of the loss in revenue to such major corporations as McDonald’s and Nickelodeon who depend on the inactive and obese for income. This must be stopped, and it starts with cheaters like Albert Pujols. So for those of you who draft Pujols first, or even second or third, remember you are drafting someone who decided to spend time and effort to become a great player. Meanwhile, those like Miguel Tejada risk something far more valuable, their money and health, to improve their game. I ask you, who’s more committed?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!