Tiger Woods son granted tour card

SAN DIEGO, CA — Tiger Woods’ two-day old son Charlie Axel Woods was granted a PGA tour card for the 2009 season after the newborn shot a 67 at Torrey Pines Golf Course to complete qualifying school.

“We’re pretty proud of Charlie Axel,” said Tiger Woods from the hospital Monday morning, where the baby was recuperating from his busy week. “Sure, he missed a lot of key putts on the back nine, and the weather was pretty nice, but 67 is nothing to sneeze at.”

By virtue of winning the card, Charlie will be able to compete in as many PGA tour events as he’d like this year. Since he’s unable to walk on his own, he’ll be able to ride in a cart or a stroller.

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“It’ll be nice to have Charlie out there to give me a little competition and incentive,” said Tiger, who himself is recovering from a severe knee injury. “He’s got a great swing and a real competitive instinct. It’ll just be interesting to see how his body holds up under a full schedule of golfing, what with his bones not being really developed and stuff.”

The other major danger with Charlie is his proclivity toward breastfeeding, which could pose a problem.

“We’ve never had a member of the PGA tour be a breastfeeder before, as far as I’m aware,” Tiger said. “Most of the time Elin will be traveling with Charlie, so she’ll be able to handle it. We’ve also looked into using bottles. I’m also having my agent contact Phil Mickelson, as his enormous jugs are certain to contain a lot of nutritious milk.”