Phil Mickelson dealing with some serious post-Groundhog Day gloomies

PHIL MICKELSON’S BEDROOM, N.C. — Phil Mickelson is unable to rouse himself from bed today, according to reports from worried family members, who have stated that the golfer is “totally despondent with a case of the post-Groundhog Day gloomies.”

“Phil loves Groundhog’s Day,” said his wife, Amy Mickelson. “You know, because of Punxatawney Phil, that famous Pennsylvanian groundhog. In many ways, Phil thinks that Groundhog’s Day is pretty much Phil Day, so he’s really excited. But then on the day after it, he always gets soooo depressed. It’s kind of sad.”

According to the reports SSNN received, Phil Mickelson refused to get out of bed until 2:30 pm, at which point he had a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios, gave a brief interview to SSNN via phone, and then immediately returned to bed.

“I just get so bummed on February the Third every year,” Mickelson said. “Feb. 2 is awesome, it’s phenomenal. Everything is about Phil all day long. But then the calendar turns to the next day, and it’s just back to normal. Nothing about Phil, everything about everyone else.”

Mickelson said he’s tried many things to prepare himself for his post-Groundhog Day gloomies, but nothing has worked.

“One year we scheduled a family trip to Six Flags for the next day,” Mickelson said. “It still sucked. Everywhere I went, nobody was talking about Phils. Nobody was talking about groundhogs. Nobody was really talking about animals, either. Except tigers. And I freakin’ hate Tigers, especially on Feb. 3.”

When it was pointed out to Mickelson that he actually gets a day devoted to a Phil, and there isn’t even one day devoted to any other golfer, least of all Tiger Woods, Mickelson screamed, “Every day is Tiger day!” and slammed the bedroom door.

As of press time, Amy Mickelson was trying desperately to wake Phil up for dinner, but he responded by saying, “Wake me up next February!” and then pulling the covers over his head.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!