Phelps robs bank, kills man; USOC accepts apology

CHARLESTON, SC — Olympic superstar Michael Phelps apologized to the nation today after security camera photos captured him robbing a Bank of America bank branch here in Charleston, and also killing an unarmed elderly man when he recognized Phelps.

“Things got a little carried away yesterday,” Phelps said. “I went into the B of A just to rob it and take home a few hundred thousand dollars in cash. But things got a little wild, and I ended up having to off this guy who tried to be a hero. I’m sorry about it now, though. I know that there are a lot of young people who look up to me, and I’ve let them down.”

The United States Olympic Committee immediately moved to accept his apology.

“We realize that Michael made a mistake or two this week, just as we all make mistakes,” said USOC head Larry Probst. “We have decided as the United States Olympic Committee that we will accept his apology.”

The quick acceptance angered a lot of Americans, including many parents, who felt that Phelps should be punished more for his indiscretions.

“We could punish Michael more, but we have to be smart about this,” Probst said. “After all, Michael Phelps is an American hero. He won eight gold medals in a single Olympics. That week and a half of effort by Michael, that was one of the most amazing things we’ve ever seen. Surely that earns him the right to rob a bank and/or kill an old dude, right?”

Needless to say, Phelps has again promised to be on his best behavior, and that’s enough for Probst.

“As long as Michael is going to try and stay out of trouble, that’s enough,” Probst said. “There will probably be more incidents. Maybe some other people will die. But hey, listen, in my world, if you’re an Olympic hero, then you’ve earned the right.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!