Phelps declares he’s going to win 15 gold medals in London to make up for recent misstep

BALTIMORE, MD — An apologetic Michael Phelps has announced that he’s going to win 15 gold medals at the London olympics »”>2012 Olympics to make up for the embarrassment caused by a recent photo of him smoking marijuana out of a water pipe.

“I feel terrible,” Phelps said. “I feel like I’ve let down my fans, friends, and family. Not to mention my endorsers. So I am going to make up for it by knocking out 15 golds in the London games. I figure, if it took me eight golds to make up for the DUI before the Beijing games, then 15 golds ought to clear up the marijuana picture.”

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Phelps said he’s confident that the public will accept his 15 golds as a proper retribution for his transgression.

“15 golds will be plenty,” Phelps said. “I was really worried about it when the picture came out at first, but now I’m not even worried at all. I could probably repair my image with 11 or 12 golds, but 15 will definitely get it done. I’m actually not even worried about it, I’m much more worried about what I’m going to need to do in the 2016 Olympics.”

When asked why, Phelps explained.

“See, I’m totally planning on nailing a transsexual hooker on camera during a drug-fueled sex binge, probably sometime in late 2013,” Phelps said. “Maybe early 2014. Either way, I’m going to have to win a redonkulous number of golds in the 2016 Olympics. Probably 30 or 40 to make up for that, don’t you think? I mean, I’ll be on video, having sex with a prostitute, who is a man, who is dressed like a woman, while on drugs. Way worse than blowing some bongs.”

Phelps said that in order to be able to win all the golds he’s going to need in 2016, he’s going to take up track and field and also gymnastics.
“Those are other ‘high-gold events,’ so I can pad my total,” Phelps said. “Winning 33 golds in a single Olympics is going to be hard. Really hard. But, I’m going to have to make it up to the American people, so it’s either that, or become the Governor of Illinois.”