Michael Crabtree looking forward to being selected by Lions

LUBBOCK, TX—NFL prospect Michael Crabtree is 100 percent certain that with the Detroit Lions holding the number one pick in the 2009 NFL draft, he, as the number one receiver in the aforementioned draft, will naturally be chosen to be the next wide receiver in a long line of poor draft choices for the Lions franchise.

“I’ve already started writing my selection speech,” revealed Crabtree. “I know Detroit has a weird thing with wideouts, and they’ve got the number one pick, so I’m pretty sure it’s a done deal.

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“I’m not even gonna bother with attending the workouts or practices, either,” revealed the All-American. “One, there’s always the risk of injury; Two, you know the Lions have already made up their minds and have never paid attention during these things anyway; and Three, I’m fucking Michael Crabtree and what the hell are you going to do about it?”

Crabtree was not deterred by the Lions’ recent dismissal of former President/CEO Matt Millen, who infamously picked wide receiver after wide receiver in almost every NFL draft.

“Yeah, they got rid of him, and they still went 0-16. Don’t worry, it’s the same old Detroit,” Crabtree assured us.

Crabtree concluded by saying he was looking forward to a mind-numbingly abysmal and unproductive tenure with the Lions and being summarily traded upon displaying aptitude.