Manny Ramirez can’t stop talking about “difficult economic times”

LOS ANGELES, CA—No one is safe from economic hardships these days, not even the multi-billion dollar sports industry. Players, coaches, and owners alike have all felt the pinch of the recent recession, among them, power-hitter and perennial space cadet Manny Ramirez, currently a free agent entertaining offers from several teams.

“Difficult economic times, man,” lamented the twelve-time all-star to SSNN. “Everybody hurtin’ for cash, even Manny.”

Ramirez recently turned down a $25 million, one-year deal with the Dodgers, a deal that would have made him the second-highest paid player in all of baseball.

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“Manny been looking to buy a tropical island out in the pacific,” revealed the nine-time Silver Slugger. “Manny can’t play baseball forever, you know? Manny looking to settle down on a tax-free tropical paradise to call his own. But the way things is shaping up, Manny might now have to play two, maybe even three more seasons to raise that kind of cash money.”

The infamous malcontent had previously turned down a two-year deal with $45 million in guaranteed money.

“The Dodgers is having money troubles too, you know?” commented Ramirez. “Manny understands that. I’m sure the Dodgers are having trouble paying their finance charges and their minimum monthly balances, and maybe are wondering whether they can keep their home or not. Manny sympathizes, he really does. But Manny has children of his own to feed, too, no?”

SSNN then asked the famous slugger what he felt would be a fair deal in the current economic climate.

“Manny is worth at least $95 million,” stated Ramirez. “With the economy so bad, Manny would be willing to leave some money on the table. Manny would settle for three years, $90 million.”

“Los Angeles is hurting, Manny thinks,” reflected the 36-year-old. “Manny might be forced to pull up stakes and go someplace else with a brighter future in front of it. Like St. Louis or New York. Someplace where Manny can earn a decent-paying job. We will see.”

“Manny is like a commodity,” explained the future hall-of-famer. “Much like gas. It will make your big car run, it will destroy the environment, and will be the secret justification for many wars. You could give up Manny and start riding a bike, but Manny thinks that will turn you into a pussy.”

Ramirez was not alone in his estimation of the hardships facing the country.

“Manny and I both agree, the current state of the economy demands a different perspective today,” said Ramirez’s agent, Scott Boras. “With the sagging economy, everybody has the right to earn as much as they can, to secure a future for themselves and their families, even if they’re an infamous prima donna who’s almost 37. Fair’s fair.”

“Hopefully, President Obama can turn this ship around,” concluded a wistful Ramirez. “But until then, Manny will have to soldier on and do what Manny has to do.”