Man furious with co-workers for skipping his Pro Bowl party

MORRISTOWN, N.J. — Things are awkward at DataTech Systems this morning, as Charlie Zimmer is seething mad at all of his co-workers.

“What can I say,” Zimmer said. “I work with a bunch of assholes. Not a single one of them showed up for my Pro Bowl party yesterday afternoon. I made so much damn food, and it all went to waste. What a bunch of selfish people.”

Zimmer concocted the idea for the Pro Bowl party about eight days ago, when he attended a Super Bowl party being thrown by company president David Johnston. Johnston, who has a palatial 5,000 square foot home just outside of Morristown, invited the entire 15-person staff of the company to view the game on his new, 80-inch projection television or one of the other eight TVs he has in his house, along with approximately 100 other friends.

“I had such a good time at David’s Super Bowl party, I thought it would be really fun to get the whole gang together for a Pro Bowl party the next week,” Zimmer said. “It took me a couple of days to get together the evite, though, so I didn’t get it out till Wednesday. Party planning is tougher than it seems.”

Unlike Johnston, Zimmer lives in a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate. He has a 27-inch television that he was given by his aunt and uncle as a graduation gift in 2004.

“I’m not rich or anything, I do okay,” Zimmer said. “But, you know, I put together a nice spread, and then nothing. Nobody showed up. Not even one person. It’s the freaking Pro Bowl! I mean, it’s not like anyone had anything better to do. You know they were all sitting there at home watching the Pro Bowl anyway.”

According to reports, Zimmer is particularly pissed at two individuals in the office: cubemate Don Deming and receptionist Carly Stumm. Both had actually RSVP’d to the evite with a “Maybe” (the other 13 invitees did not respond prior to the event) and at least in Deming’s case, the week ended with a verbal confirmation.

“As were we were leaving work, I go, ‘See you Sunday, Don,’ and he goes, ‘What’s Sunday?’” Zimmer recalled. “I go, ‘My Pro Bowl party.’ Don goes, ‘Oh, yeah.’ That was it, and then he just doesn’t show up. Are you kidding me? Where is the class with these people?”

Although there was no such verbal contract in place with Stumm, Zimmer was sure that she was going to show up. “She’s always acting all flirty with me, saying ‘Good morning’ when I walk by her desk in the morning, and transferring my calls all sweet-like and stuff,” Zimmer said. “I was sure she was going to show up, and I thought that there was actually a pretty good chance that we’d hook up after the game, you know, maybe make out a little bit. I don’t know, I just sort of got that vibe.”

Stumm, who is engaged to be married to another co-worker, Brian Pate, said no such plans were in the offing.

“I barely like the Super Bowl,” Stumm said. “Why the hell would I watch the All Star Game, or whatever it’s called? I just accidentally clicked ‘maybe’ when I was trying to click ‘no’ on the evite. Sometimes those things are confusing. Either way, I figured it would be better to just leave it and not change it, but boy, was I wrong.”

Zimmer said that he’s going to let each and every one of his coworkers know just what they missed with a three-fold plan.

“Well, first off, I’m going to be bringing in the delicious leftover food from my party for lunch every day this week,” Zimmer said. “So when they see me noshing on chili and vegetable platters, they’ll know what they missed. Second, I’m going to go on and on about the results of the Pro Bowl, so they feel really uncomfortable. For example, I’m going to walk over to Brian and go, ‘Did you see that catch that Larry Fitzgerald made in the fourth quarter? Amazing, no?’”

Zimmer said that all of his coworkers will likely be reeling of embarrassment after just the first two phases of his plan, but he’s going to carry out the third phase anyway.

“Next February, I’m going to have another Pro Bowl party, except I’m not going to invite any of them over,” Zimmer said. “So we’ll see how it feels when the shoe is on the other foot. Ha!”

At the end of it all, Zimmer says he doesn’t regret the party, since he did use it as an excuse to buy a Peyton Manning Fathead.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!