Las Vegas declared ice hockey capital of North America

LAS VEGAS, NV – Long understood to be primarily a Canadian sport, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made an announcement yesterday that suggests that there is a sense change on the wind.

No stranger to controversy when it comes to expanding their league, in recent years the NHL has added a number of franchises in the far south of America despite almost non-existent fan bases. Bettman told the press yesterday that Las Vegas, the 31st team to enter the league, will join next season.

“We’ve spent hours looking at a map of the United States, trying to decide where the hotbed of hockey might be hiding,” said the shrewd commissioner. “We think that we may have found it right here in the Nevada desert. Las Vegas knows better than anyone else how to put on a show. A rink on the Strip could be the center of nightly entertainment in the district. This new franchise will have it all: Gambling, daredevils, women and maybe even a little bit of hockey.”

Canadian millionaire Jim Balsillie took the time to announce his displease with the decision, in light of his recent attempts to buy a franchise himself. “I’m just an ordinary guy trying to buy a hockey team, but they seem to be blocking me at every turn” said the businessman, who buys professional sports franchises the same way some buy groceries. “I wanted to put a franchise in Ontario, next to Toronto where they can sell out the building almost every game. Gary wants a franchise in the far south, right next to Phoenix. What? You didn’t know Pheonix had a hockey team? Yeah, neither did anybody else.”

“We can make ice in Las Vegas,” says hockey arena maintenance man and ice professional Bill Shackleton. “It just won’t be good ice. Actually, it’s a little bit stupid to even suggest that pros will be able to play on it. It’s like put basketball players on a court made out of sponges. Maybe we can get the players to bring their roller blades, so if the ice doesn’t work out, at least they can still have a game.”

Most hockey fans have full faith in the decision making skills of the diminutive, physically inept commissioner of hockey, so there was little backlash at this recent announcement. The policy has found very few critics. Canadian hockey fan Kenny Weatherall was heard to comment, “I don’t know why they don’t go to Winnipeg or somewhere else where water, like, freezes, eh?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!