Kurt Warner orders Whopper, declares faith to drive through attendant

PHOENIX, AZ -– Kurt Warner had just led the Arizona Cardinals a heartwrenching defeat in Super Bowl XLIII against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and he was exhaused. When the aging quarterback returned to Phoenix, he found himself hungry, so he pulled into a Burger King drive-thru, ordered a Whopper, pulled around to the second window and then thanked God for making it possible.

“I know people get sick of hearing me say this,” he said to Steve Watson, the drive-thru attendant. “But without God, none of this delicious, flame-broiled patty is possible.”

Jim Conway, the manager of the Burger King where Warner regularly stops by, says this is a regular occurrence from Warner. ‘‘Listen, I’d love to believe there’s a higher power but I’ve seen where these meat patties come from. Trust me, there is no God.”

Warner said he felt particularly inspired late Sunday, due to the fact that he hadn’t been able to thank God for a victory in the Super Bowl.

“I had planned on thanking God publicly for guiding me to victory in the Super Bowl,” Warner said. “But we lost, which sucked. So I still thanked God for losing the game for us, but then it was like, ‘Dang, I just have more God to thank,’ like I hadn’t thanked all my God out of me for the season. So that’s probably what took me to Burger King, you know, so I could have the opportunity to thank God one more time.”

The story of Warner’s humble beginnings as a grocery stock boy whose career was all but over is another well-told narrative. What most people don’t know is that while employed at the grocery store, he met Zuul, a female seductress demigod of the third world, who had asked him in which row the Stay-Puft marshmallows were kept. Zuul, who now goes by the human name Brenda Warner, convinced Kurt not to give up on his football dreams and he was soon throwing touchdown passes to third-string white wide receivers from Alcorn State in the Arena Football League. At that point, theologians and bible scholars suggest that Kurt made some sort of trade or pact with his wife’s boss Gozer and went on to win two Super Bowls and an MVP award, narrowly missing out on a third when Adam Vinatieri’s soul was bartered to Bill Belichick.

Warner’s religious beliefs have been well documented by the mainstream media in the lead-up to the Super Bowl.

Warner embraced god while in St. Louis, where many still consider his wife to be the anti-Christ. After winning two titles as the Quarterback of the Rams, he fell out of favor with the team. He signed with the Giants the following year only to lose his starting job to another of the devil’s minions, Eli Manning, who won his first Super Bowl in 2008.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!