Jose Rijo denies allegations; says he’s very careful about ages of minors

WASHINGTON, DC — Jose Rijo vehemently denied any involvement with an age scandal that is rocking Major League Baseball and the Washington Nationals.

“I am not at all guilty of what they have accused me of doing,” Rijo said of the allegations that he helped a prospect change his age and name to get a bigger contract from the Nats. “I am very careful about age.”

Rijo continued to explain: “In America, they are very concerned with age. You have to know the exact age of the person you are dealing with, and it doesn’t matter if they are the hottest girl on the JV soccer team, you have to know the exact age.

“Take, for example, Maria Hernandez, who lives at 1129 Pembroke Drive, in Towson, Marlyand,” Rijo said. “Now, from my research, I know that Maria is exactly 15 years and 237 days old, even though, dios mio, she looks like she’s 19 or 20, easy. Anyway, here’s my point. Based on the Maryland Criminal Code, if I was to, say, have sex with her, then, according to law 18.17.6(a), then I would be guilty of what they call ’statutory rape,’ which is punishable by 6 to 12 years in prison. Remember, I said she lives in Maryland, not Virginia, where the laws are more reasonable.”

Rijo said he’s the victim of a cultural bias.

“America is just different, man,” Rijo said. “In the Dominican, age is just a number. Doesn’t really matter. But here they’re all so uptight. Like something happens on your 18th birthday and suddenly you are able to make a better decision about whether or not to get nailed by the 1990 World Series MVP.

Rijo has been fired by the Nats, and doesn’t know if he’ll return to baseball anytime soon.

“I am going to take some time off,” Rijo said. “Clear my head. I am thinking about heading up to Alaska. Up there, from what I hear, they are a lot less hung up on age and stuff, especially if you’re willing to become a Palin.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!