In preseason douche poll, Lane Kiffin wins biggest douche in the SEC award, stunning the field

KNOXVILLE, TN — The Lane Kiffin era in Tennessee is off to a better start than ever hoped, with the results of the conference’s annual Preseason Douchebag Coach Poll being released.

In an unexpected harbinger of great things to come, the 33-year-old Kiffin was a near unanimous selection as the douchiest coach in the SEC, surpassing a bevy of mondo douchebags to claim the top spot in his first foray into the league.

“It’s really an amazing honor to be considered the biggest douche among such a collection of amazing douches,” Kiffin said. “Especially as a first-year head coach, since no first year head coach has ever received this award before.”

SSNN has learned, however, that, in classic Kiffin style, Kiffin’s last statement is untrue and reeks of limited research, blind assumptions, and arrogance. Alabama coach Nick Saban was a preseason #1 douche after leaving the Miami Dolphins for the Crimson Tide two years ago, and Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino actually was ranked number one wire-to-wire last season.

“It’s actually fairly amazing that anyone was able to supplant Bobby Petrino, ever,” said douche historian and massive douchebag-in-his-own-right Joe Buck. “I mean, Bobby Petrino is a douche for the ages. This is the type of person that nobody likes. I heard that Bobby Petrino’s wife won’t tell him her password for their online banking, that’s how big of a douche this guy is. And for Kiffin to pass him, just like that, to move past him like he’s standing still? Well, that just shows you what a mondo douche we’ve got on our hands here.”

The poll results were startling. After Kiffin took the top spot, the next two were Petrino and Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt. Les Miles of LSU was fourth, followed by Saban in fifth. South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier was seventh, and Florida coach Urban Meyer ranked only tenth.

“It just goes to show you how deep the SEC is,” Buck said. “For a guy like Spurrier to fall to seventh? That’s unreal. In most conferences, Spurrier would be the preseason number one. Yes, the SEC is really tremendous.”

Kiffin took great pride in his latest accomplishment.

“Here at Rocky Top, it’s not enough to be preseason number one douche factory,” Kiffin said. “No, our douchiness will avail itself every Saturday in the fall, and every weekday and Sunday inbetween, when they thrust a mic in my face. Let it be known from the tops of the mountains to the depths of Death Valley. LANE KIFFIN IS A MONDO DOUCHE, AND HE’S HERE TO STAY!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!