Hoffman to participate in sausage race instead of pitch

MILWAUKEE, WI — The Milwaukee Brewers proudly announced that they have found a role for Trevor Hoffman on their club.

“Yeah, that was a biggie, finding a way to get Trevor involved,” said manager Ken Macha. “We knew we weren’t gonna have him close games — he’s like 100 years old. But we figured we were spending a lot of money on him, so we should use him somehow.”

Macha said the Brewers have decided to let Hoffman be the fifth entrant to the team’s famous sausage race, which takes place between innings early in each game.

“We are going to have Trevor be a week-old 7-eleven hot dog,” Macha said. “You know, because we already have a normal hot dog in the race, and he’s American, so we couldn’t really let him be any other sort of sausage product. So we’re going to put him in a costume that represents the shriveled hot dog, with all of the toppings that you have to put on it so that you can choke it down. Especially that cheese sauce-he’s going to be covered in that cheese sauce.”

Macha said he’s prepared for the inevitable controversy of having two different hot dogs in the race.

“Listen, man, I hear you,” Macha said. “I wish he was some sort of other ethnicity. I’d have loved it if we could have made him the Best’s Kosher sausage. But, hey, if wishing made it so, you know what I mean?”

The Brewers, already reeling from the losses of star pitchers CC Sabathia and Ben Sheets, have not indicated what they’ll do to shore up their pitching staff.

“We’ll worry about the pitching staff come April,” Macha said. “For now, we just want to make sure Trevor has every chance to get fitted for that costume, and to really get his legs in shape. The balance is going to be important, too … he’s going to have to reteach his body how to run in a giant sausage costume.”

Hoffman was ecstatic.

“Finally I know my role, and can begin to prepare for it,” he said. “I feel as though this year will be a great season, and that my impact on the Brewers and their fans will be felt far and wide. Watch out, kielbasa! Trevor Hoffman in the house!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!