Hockey to remove fighting from game; replace it with Rock, Paper, Scissors

TORONTO, CA – Fighting has been a part of hockey since its inception but has become the subject of controversy in recent years. Due to concerns with the safety of this part of game, the NHL has now adopted a more controversial, but less dangerous method of allowing enforcers to compete with one another in order to swing the momentum of the game for their respective team.

“There will be no more swinging fists once the gloves have been dropped,” said the business savvy NHL commissioner Gary Bettman in an interview with SSNN. “Rather, players will throw either rock, paper or scissors to find the winner of the bout. From what I understand, rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper and paper beats rock. The referees will keep an eye on things to make sure nobody is trying to break the rules. Both offending players will be sent to the penalty box, of course, but teams should really get a boost from seeing their grinder waylay his competitor with a well timed throw of scissors.”

Since becoming commissioner of the NHL in 1992, Bettman has left his mark on hockey by speeding up the pace of the game, cancelling a season and alienating Canadian spectators.

“I think fans will react positively to these changes,” added the beloved commissioner. “It’s a well known fact that spectators hate any sort of violence in sports.”

NHL goons have responded with some scepticism, conscious that their role in the game will be changed significantly by this amendment.

“We’ll have to adapt to the new style of play,” said Montreal Canadiens fighter Georges Laraque. “I haven’t played Rock, Paper, Scissors since I was a kid and back then it was just for fun. I don’t mind getting into a scrap in front of 20,000 screaming fans but it’ll be hard not to just punch the guy if he beats my throw of rock. But Gary Bettman has never steered this league wrong yet, so I’ll just have to adjust and prove to the coach that I deserve a place on this team.”

While some spectators have responded with groans to this new safety measure, Bettman’s plan has found some support. “I was worried they were going to get rid of fighting entirely,” said Pittsburgh Penguins fan Derek Henry in a short interview with SSNN. “Fortunately the commissioner has decided that the sport still needs the feel of man-to-man conflict. I mean, throwing rocks and scissors? These guys have to be tough to play the game of hockey!”

Bettman has hinted at plans to build on the momentum of this recent innovation and to continue making the game more enjoyable for players and fans alike by making players wear more safety equipment, by taking body checking out of the game and by not letting anyone onto the ice.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!